Hello! Oh! Kapil..- Kapil! Kapil..- Kapil! How come Mr. Sidhu’sthrone is vacant? He never leaves his chair.Where’s he? All right. With a hugeround of applause, let’s welcome our adorable,the lucky mascot of this show the king of every heart,the laughing king the dynamic politician,the one and only Mr. Navjot Singh Sidhu! The game will nowbe interesting! He got married. He is nowamong the live martyrs. But I like this one thingabout Kapil. – Yes? He breaks downduring bad time. But he takes few steps back,only to take a leap. Shall I say somethingin his appreciation? Here you go. ‘Learn to bloom like roses,in spite of being with thorns.’ Wow! ‘Learn to grow like a lotus,in the mud.’ – Wow! ‘A strong man is not the one whogives up before circumstances.’ ‘Learn to burn,in spite of being in ashes.’ Great! Wow.. Here I come. Ladies and gentlemen,our shop has reopened. Mr. Sidhu is readyat the cash counter. Darn you..- So. So let’s move on. I hope you all missedour show. – Yes! We missed it a lot.- Did you miss it a lot? – Yes.. And you don’t evenget paid for it. Imagine how much Mr. Sidhuand I must have missed it. When you are jobless people start findingflaws in you. Because we will haveall the time to listen to them. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ ‘You look so weak.’ ‘Are you sick?’ I was sick of being jobless.That’s obvious. I mean, all the weird queries. I have observed this.When a person is earning good he won’t be knowing howmany AC’s he has at home. The moment we startgetting less work we make sure every smallelectric bulb is turned off. ‘There’s nobody in the washroom!Who kept this light on?’ You are absolutely right!Amazing! A person who is doing goodat work gets huge respect. Everyone in our family tendsto worry about us a lot. They ask me to make sureI have food on time. But this was the situationwhen I wasn’t working. ‘Are you having food?’ ‘But you had it this morning.’ I mean, their behaviourtowards us changes. When a person is busy anddoesn’t get time to come home even his pet dog meetshim with love. He climbs on you. But when you don’t goto work for a few days and when you are alwayswith your dog even the dog doesn’tgive you much attention.
even the dog doesn’tgive you much attention. It doesn’t evenconsider you his master. So.. When you call it with love,it doesn’t answer. It ignores you. It lies down on the floorwithout caring about you. Amazing! People give a lot of advicesto a jobless man. It happened with me too. He asked me to go to thisleather belt sage. He asked me visit himwith bare body. – Okay. To get myself relievedof troubles. – What? That’s true. The sage whips onyour back and asks you. ‘Tell me. Do you haveany trouble in life?’ Imagine, a person isasking you this by holding a leather belt in his hand.Who’ll say that he has problems? Even I told him thatI have no worries. I was scared of gettingwhipped again. Even a 60-year-old mansitting in a village advises Dhoni. ‘It’s high timehe should retire.’ He himself isn’t retiring. He is expecting a childin a couple months. I mean, their useless advices.. There are few people whoadvice even the prime minister. A man sitting in his in-laws’place and watching television enjoying ‘Malpua’ preparedby his sister-in-law passes this comment. ‘Prime Minister shouldn’t goon international tours so much.’ And this is how hisfather-in-law curses him. ‘Stupid! You visit my placeevery weekend.’ ‘Can’t you consider that?’All pointless advices. And the auto rickshawdrivers of Mumbai.. They passthrough the metro bridge and get frankwith the passenger. They comment on the constructionof that metro line. They talk about where elsethat line could have been. And then,he himself won’t be knowing that his underwear isvisible. Stupid advices! And there are few peoplewho give unique advises. This is what my uncle said. He tells me this afterI passed my 12th grade. ‘Dear, there’s no useof studying further.’ ‘Become an air hostess.’- What! I asked why. He said we don’thave any air hostess in family. I told him that he mightalso ask me to bear a child as nobody else havedone it in the family before. These useless advices,I tell you.. We have Dinesh on the guitar.- Okay. Even he givesuseless advices. – Okay. You must have heard the femalevoice in the navigation app. ‘Take a U turn to reachSardar Vallabhbhai Patel Road.’ Yes.- He argues with her as well. ‘Ma’am, you have suggesteda longer route.’ Seriously? ‘Ma’am, I’m taking a shortcut.’ After some times, the ladyslapped him from inside the app. He didn’t arguewith her after that.
He didn’t arguewith her after that. There are some people whotake advices which they need and ignore the other ones. For example, a man is sick and people are advising themto send him to rehab and to rub somebleaching sand on him. And there’s another onegiving a better advice. ‘Send him to Bangkok..’ So.. The sick person who didn’tspeak for a month, wakes up and says.. ‘Someone,listen to him as well!’ My friend, Chandu,visited me when I was unwell. He asked me to keep a rotion a crossroad for five days as that will fix everything. I did that,but it was of no use. I told him that it didn’t work. He asked me to keepeven curd and pickle with it. I did that as well. The next day,I found his lips wounded. He then asks me to keepthe curd in a good bowl as licking it fromthe road is very difficult. Let me ask thisto my friends who are here. You must be having peoplewho give you useless advices. Was it useful orharmful for you? He is.. Firstly, tell us your nameand where you have come from. My name is Nayeem Dabbawala.I have come from Gujarat. Nayeem. – Yes.- What does ‘Dabbawala’ mean? That’s my surname.- Oh! It’s a surname. Sorry.. Okay. It happens.- So.. – Oh! He is.. Isn’t that surnametoo heavy for you? Whatever!- All right. I see. Even I got one suchstupid advice! I was in trouble. When did it happen?- Where? So, I was playing cricketon a Sunday and I hurt my back.- Oh, my! You hurt yourself.- Right. – I see.. That was really painful. And what happenedafter that? My friend asked me to applysome black paste on it. All right.- I did that. – Okay. The pain increased even more. That’s because you appliedthat black paste. – Yes. Another friend of minegave me some other advice. He asked me to standin the sun. I did that..- Was it back pain or did you catch fungus?- That’s.. He stood in the sun it seems. Just ignore both of them.They give you wrong advices. Yet, I stood in the sunfor two hours. – Did you? – Yes. I again got an advicefrom another friend. How many friends do youhave in total? – Three.. That’s it? – Yes.- So he was the last one. The third friend asked meto take a massage from an expert.- And then? My back became stiff. And then,I met a good man who advised me to go to a doctorand get myself treated. That’s when I got relieved.
brain teaser laughter is one of the least That’s when I got relieved.
That’s when I got relieved. I’ll give you a good advice. You should try swimmingif you have back problems. It’s very good. I don’t know how to swim.- What? I don’t know how to swim. You don’t know? Try for a minute,after that, you’ll drown. But.. Thank you. It was very nice to meet you. It was nice talking to you. All Gujratis are niceto talk to. Does anyone else wantto say something? Yes, ma’am?Oh, wow! Why didn’t you raiseyour hand before? Give her the mic. Hello, sir.- Hello. Hello, sir.- Hello, ma’am. I wanted to ask you something. All my close friendsare getting married. Oh..- My parents tell me ‘Your friendsare getting married.’ ‘You should also get married.’ You don’t have to get married. What does your heart say? I’m confused whetherI should get married or not. I want to ask you,what should I do? What can I say? I don’t understand. Actually, when I wasn’t working,I had just one girl around me. I thought that there were no girls in the worldso I married her. But now, I see that thereare so many girls. So.. No, you.. Are you studying or haveyou completed your studies? No, I’m working. You have a job. Do what you want to do. You don’t have to listento your parents. Everyone’s parents say that. My mom used to tell meto get married too. I had to get married. You are very beautiful. Don’t worry. Anyone would agree to marry you. Don’t worry. What’s your name? Shruti.- Shruti? You’re very beautifuland independent. Thank you. – Many boyswould agree to marry you. I won’t ask youwhere you’re from or all the boysover here will go there. We should praiseGod gifted beauty. Otherwise, God would get upset.He’d say ‘I made such beautiful peoplebut you aren’t saying anything.’ I mean to say..You’re very beautiful. Thank you, Shruti.Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you, Shruti.Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. Hey! Chandan! Chandan.- Yes? What happened to you? I promised to Godthat when the show begins I’d go to the stage like that. You’re so strange. You started the showwithout telling me. Didn’t you understand? Look at this, sir. He had said,’When the show would start’ ‘you would enter the stagewith eight foreign girls’ ‘and you would havea bigger role than me.’ I was bored, sir. I wanted to talk about somethingto pass time. That’s why, I said all that. He is the only person whonever looked cute as a child. His neighbour told his mom,’If you had taken more time’ ‘you would’vehad a better child.’ What is this rubbish! The neighbour was his uncle. That’s where he got theidea of dressing men as women. You don’t knowhow cute I was as a child. How cute?- I got exchanged with another kidwhen I was a baby. You should lookat the original one. You would be shocked! Sir, his mother.. You know about scrapdealers, right? – Yes. Yes. – Youcan trade things with them. She traded him for a utensil. She said, ‘There isa dent on the utensil.’ He said, ‘The utensil stilllooks better than him.’ Shut up! You had disappeared for a year. How does that matter?- It does matter. Everyone wantsto know where you were. I took a break for this man. I thought he’d becomesuccessful if I take a break. His condition became worse, sir. I saw him kneelingin Juhu beach. It’s called a yoga trainer. I was a yoga trainer, sir. I used to teach people yoga. Yoga trainer?- Yes. He wore a vest like this..- What kind of vest? He wore shorts. He had a bottle of oiland there was a large person laying downin front of him. That’s not yoga, is it? That’s not yoga.He was doing this. What.. That was my part-time job. I was workingat the municipal corporation. It was a white collar job. What were you doing? I used to warn peopleabout stray dogs. Did a stray dog ever bite you? The dogs were my relatives. He is such a weird man, sir. When he got married,he attached a chariot to the horse thathe was sitting on. As soon as they reachedthe brides home he told the guests to goand have dinner. He said that he’dgo and drop the passengers. You do such cheap things! I am a very committedperson, sir. I don’t careif my wedding got delayed but I droppedthe passengers on time. I’m not like him. I don’t leave a showto take breaks. He.. He is such a horrible person. He is a very horrible person. He came to the living room. His father wassitting amongst six people. He said, ‘Dad, can I haveyour underwear’ ‘if you don’t wantto go anywhere?’ Who does that? What’s so bad about that? Sir, we have the rightsto use our dads’ things, right? What would he knowwhat a property is. Anyway, Mr. Sidhu. You’re such a huge politician. Get me that positionin the parliament. The man that wears headphonesand listens to songs. He tells people..- He is called a speaker! Speakers are in concerts! It’s placed near the mic. He knows nothing. Listen. I almost forgot.Mr. Sidhu had a message for you. Such successful peopleare sending me messages. You didn’t tell me about it! Tell me the message! Mr. Sidhu said,’You know Chandan’ ‘the tea vendor, right?’- Yes. ‘Tell him not to talk to me.It lowers my status.’ He said, ‘Tell him notto greet me in public.’ ‘Tell him to send a lettervia an agent’ ‘only then, I’d talk to him.’ Did you say that, sir? Do you expect him to agree? Do you want to hearanything else? Do whatever you want.I won’t go away. Listen to me, sir.- Tell me. He has startedgiving suggestions to people. He said, ‘Sell your tea shop.’ ‘I’ll invest the moneythat you get.’ He took Rs. 8 lakhfrom me, sir. He isn’t returning it. You want Rs. 8 lakh?- I want Rs. 8 lakh! If you work somewhere else,how much would you earn? I’ll get Rs. 10,000! Look.He knows his worth. It’s Rs. 10,000. You.. Do this work here for 80 months.- Okay. I’ll pay you Rs. 10,000every month and you’d get Rs. 8 lakhin the end. But you have to pay me.- I’ll pay you. Why should I work for my money? Everyone worksto earn their money. Is Mr. Sidhu workingto earn my money? Are you workingto earn my money? Everyone worksto earn their share of money. But.. I’m askingfor the money I gave you. You’ve been askingsince childhood. I’m not asking you to lend memoney. It is my money. Your own money is what you’veearned by working hard. – Yes. Then work hard first.You’ll get your money. I don’t get it. Why do Ihave to work for my own money? No.. Give me my money. Look, if you’re accepting mycondition, then it’s okay. Okay. – Otherwise,I’ll hire someone else and give them money.- No, I’ll work for Rs. 10,000 per month. Hey, man!Hey! Hello.. Hello, Mr. Sidhu! Looking handsome as always. Kapil Sharma, you’re back. Did he fall in front of a trainthat you’re saying he’s back? Talk properly. Man, tell me something.How much are you owed? Rs. 340.Hand it over to me. No, not money, life. Live the rest of your daysand leave this earth. Mind your own business,I’m telling you. If I had a business,I could mind it. This man shuts the businessdown every day. Am I responsible for you guys? Then become responsible! When will you! Try to understand, Kapil Sharma.My name is Baccha. I’ve 11 children. All the moneyI earned ran out. There’s nothing left! Pal, listen to me.Deal with him later. Tell me first,am I in this show or not? Do you think he asked meto be in the show? You come in as well. Hey, pal! Hey!What do you mean by that? Do you know that I ownmost of the property in this neighbourhood?The store you’ve opened in your house, that too is mine.Give me its rent. Let some customers come first,then I could give you rent. How could I give yourent otherwise? Kapil Sharma, give me the rent,or else.. What else, man!Look what business he’s started. Business of advising people.It’s not like I can seize all the goods.There are no goods. Advisor!I can’t very well seize advice. It’s better than what you do.Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? He’s opened a cowshed.Animals earn his living for him. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? What’s this? Hey, stop.. Hey, Titali.. Yes, Baccha?- What are you doing? Someone told me that if youput it round your waist and swing it, you lose weight.- It did lose weight. It used to be a truck’s tire,now it has lost weight and become a ring. Hey, aren’t you ashamedof yourself? Who talks like thatto such a beautiful wife? Ma’am, you’re looking beautiful. It’s only you who appreciatesmy beauty. He admires money all day long. Ma’am, you rushed your wedding.I’m telling you had you asked, a 100 boyswould stand in queue for you. Yes, he was first in the line.He blocked the view that’s why I couldn’tsee the others. I’ve a lot to say as well.But a few months ago you punched me on my lower backand it still hurts. My spinal cord has cracked.I haven’t been able change my loinclothfrom last three months. The loincloth got stuckin that crack. One minute.What is the guys who stuffs cotton in mattresses doing here? Hello! Let me tell you,I left that work the day I stuffed you..Oh, sorry. The day I stuffed cottonin your mattresses. I stuffed her mattresses,she sat on them and the mattresses burst. Look, Chandu.- Yes? Say anything you want to Baccha,but if you say anything about ma’am, the onewho is so beautiful I won’t stand it,I’m telling you. Was the beautiful onekept in water? One minute..Kapil Sharma. Yes?- I can’t remember it. Did this low-society mancome to my wedding? You don’t remember?The guy playing the big trumpet at your wedding.- Big trumpet.. The big trumpet that makesloud sounds. – Yes. He was the one drinkingDal from it. One minute, sir.He was only drinking Dal. But he..He can’t stand hunger, sir. He ate all the havan materials. And then he emittedso much smoke.. It was June or July back then,but my palanquin departed through fog. Ma’am.- Yes? Had you listened to my advice,I wouldn’t have let you go through with this wedding.I would’ve bodily blocked your palanquin and got trampledto death by you. You shouldn’t give advice.He gives such bad advice what can I tell you!Mr. Sidhu, he was advising you that day. He was sayingthat Mr. Sidhu shouldn’t become this nation’s PM.Do you know why? – What? He said it’s the biggest postin the nation. There could be no career advancementafter that. Can you believe that! That’sthe kind of advice he gives. Hey, Titali.- Yes? I forgot to ask you. I haven’tseen 2 of my 11 children since morning.Are they lost? Not lost, they got washed.- What? Actually, they got dirty. I putthem in the washing machine. They must be clean by now. Hey, Titali, I’ve told you somany times that washing machine is not for washing children,it’s for making Lassi. By the way, ma’am,I’ve to admit. Even after giving birthto 11 children you’ve maintained such figure.. Thank you, sir, thank you. This is called maintaining? Ma’am, when you blush,you’re a sight to behold. I still can’t believe youmarried this guy. I can’t believe it either.What can I say! I regret it so much, Mr. Sidhu.What unfortunate time it was when Iagreed to marry him? I got such nicemarriage proposals. I even got a marriage proposalfrom a collector. He was no district collector,he was a ticket collector at a movie theatre. Sir, answer him on my behalf. Ma’am, he’ll throw me outof the shop if I do that. Hold it. He can’t throw you out.It’s not his father’s shop! Getting in over his head! I’ll beat him bloodyif he did that. You can speak freely.- Really? Yes! Then listen, Mr. Sidhu. On the day of his wedding,he sat on the horse and the horse went like this..- Exactly. You won’t believe it.That horse turned into a lizard. It climbs walls like this,you know? That’s nothing, Mr. Sidhu.The society has made a rule that no matter what you do here,just don’t use the bathroom. Kapil can say what he wants,but who are you to interfere? Yes! Now, that’s more like it. The doggerel wastalking too much. What’s a doggerel?- I wanted to say dog but it’s no funto say it straight. That’s why I twisted it. Wow! Hi, Sidhu! I’m here, Sister! Hi, Brother-in-law! Hi..- Brother-in-law? Even calling him honourablebrother-in-law isn’t enough for this man and she’s callinghim short for brother-in-law. You know,when Mahmud Ghazni came to India he didn’t attack India first. He had attacked this guy. He thought this guywas some fort. He found out he’s a manwhen he got up and walked away. Hundreds of soldiersgot trapped into his dhoti! That’s right! Listen, Mr. Kapil,and his friend, XYZ.. Listen to me carefully. She’s my sister-in-law. Don’t you lookat her with bad intentions. I’ll tell you what? Turn around and face the wall. And you XYZ friend, get out! Hey, Baccha Yadav!Listen to me carefully. If I knew she was coming,I would’ve gotten myself cemented inside the wall! Don’t say that, Brother-in-law. She’s my younger sister. She’s my well-manneredand stupid sister. Her name is Buri! Her name itself is Buri.What else can I say about her? So what? It’s a nice name. When she about to be born,our buffalo was also about to give birth. Dad decided to name her Soniaand that calf as Buri. But when they were born,the calf was more beautiful Mr. Sidhu, so we namedthe calf Sonia and her as Buri. Brother-in-law! Why are you calling her Buriin front of all the people! I’ve given her a nickname,Brownie. Call her that! Isn’t that right, Brownie? That’s so sweet, Brother-in-law! If I had longer arms,I’d have hugged you! You can wrap your arms aroundme as much as you’re able to. I’ll at least getthat sensation! Sensation.. Come on in. I’ll beat you up such..- No. …that the sensationwill linger in your body for the next six months! I’ll.. – Come on.- Hey.. – Sensation. And you apply make-up! No.. – Come on.I’ll give you sensation! – Easy! Aren’t you done yet? I already have a kidand he can walk now. Why are you after me? Listen to me. Hi, Kappu! Kappu, do you know howI lived without you for a year? I know. You’d come to sellchestnuts to my locality. Really? Do you now thinkI was selling chestnuts? Oh, if I really think that?She spoke everything fluently in English but got stuckat chestnuts. And she speaksin English only here. You should see heron the streets in the evening. ‘Hey, I got three sixes.What have you got? Show!’ She acts sophisticated here. While she was gambling,the police raided the place and she held slippersin her hands and ran away. I swear,she ran faster than an ostrich! That’s a long time ago, Kappu.Listen to today’s news. What is it? – I got the roleof Juliet in the college’s play. I just played the role. She was the Julietlast time around as well. Romeo enteredand looked at the balcony. God knows what he thoughtbut he hit her with a pot. She became unconscious. Listen to me.- What is it? I’ve opened a businessof giving advice. Shall I give you an advice?- Okay. Get out. Talking to you is of no use!All right, I’ll leave! Also, don’t even thinkof ever getting me. It’s because in my horoscope,I’m destined to marry someone from royalty. Buri..- Yes, Sister? The buffalo has defecated. Come on pick up the faecesor else, it’ll get cold. Hey, royal bride.. Royal food’swaiting for you. Go. Destined to marry royalty,she says. Hey! Hey, Kappu, it’s you! How come you’re here? Hey.. How are you? Nothing, I came hereto get curd so I decided to go through this place. Who goes throughpeople’s houses? Why didn’t you goby the street? Oh, Mr. Sidhu! How are you?Greetings. – How are you? Don’t you dare greet Mr. Sidhu! Don’t say that.- No, he shouldn’t do that! Why is that?- How come you’re here.. What are you saying?I go where I get money! I’d like to tell youabout my feelings, Mr. Sidhu. Go ahead.- I was doing great business! But he’s betrayed me..- I betrayed you? You have! – How?- Everyone knows! This happened a few years ago. He opened a storethen he closed it. Then I opened my store there. Then he went somewhere else andopened a store there as well! And he closed it down as well!- Then I opened my store there! But this around,he closed the store here and reopened it here itself. Where am I supposed to go? Where would I go? I didn’t even getto enter while dancing! Look, you’re not goingto open a store here. Why is that? – We sell fruitsbut you sell lingerie. Get lost! Kapil, money is very important. You might lose reputation. Mr. Sidhu, he’s a family friend.- Is that so? Yes, he’s a very bad person.- Just a minute.. What do you meanby a family friend? We share the same grandfather. So what? We’ve got a differenceof 17 grandmothers between us! But our families usedto live together in the village. I’ll tell you, Mr. Sidhu,what actually happened. My dad marriedsuperstar Govinda’s sister. So I became arrogantand didn’t talk to him. But now I’ve mended my ways.Let it be! What does it matter!Such things happen! His family copies mein everything! What did we copy?- His parents gave birth to him because I was born. They had no moodof doing it otherwise. My parents named me Kappu andhis parents named him Shabbu. Just a minute!My dad wasn’t a copycat. He was a great chancellor. No! He was a chain snatcher!Chancellor he says! He was so usedto chain snatching, Mr. Sidhu that he stole his mother’snuptial chain a lot of times. You should be thankful thatyou were given so much land in the village or else youwouldn’t have been able to live! The lands they had given,Sidhu, was four kilometres long between the railway tracks. We were said thatwe’d get manure for free and that we should get it. Wow! The land you’d given.. At least,we gave you a piece of land! You couldn’t even handle that! They couldn’teven handle his grandpa. They didn’ttake good care of him. It was he who disgraced us. I don’t know whatwas wrong with him. He has mistressesin every state. You could have gone anywhere.Why did you come here? Why did you come here? That’s becauseI live by a principle. What’s that? The secretof self-development lies in us. Now that you are here..- Fine. It’s okay. Behave yourself.Okay? Sure, I will. Can I take this house? No, wait..I will ward off evil eyes. Such a great lady she is.She is warding off evil glances from me. Not that.I’m doing this for the locality to save itfrom your evil glances. Wait a minute, sir.Just a minute. If you want to live here,stay away from her. Wait a minute.. If you want to live here,then you stay away from her. You fatso. Should I hit you? Wait a minute.You kid from nowhere! If you dare insult my husband you will have it from me. Are you here as well? Great, sir! Like I said, money matters.Who cares about honour! Great. Now I realize thateven you have commitments. Very good.. Ma’am. – Yes?- Please show me the house. Show him.He is very much interested to see others’ houses. Take him.Behave yourself here. Sure. Let’s go. Welcome.. This is our house. Good evening and welcometo the ‘Kapil Sharma Show’. A great roundof applause for me. Sir, it’s the first episodeof our show. Yes.- We have a guest here whom I didn’t want to invite but I am compelled to do it. He didn’t get a chanceto be on TV for a year. Our guest today is the mostenergetic man of Bollywood. Along with thathe’s a great actor. He is a good hearted man,but then why do I care. Although he was unfair to me. Anyway, I’d like to call him.You may clap if you want. As I don’t want to. Please welcome Ranveer Singh! Thank you. Ranveer! Ranveer.. Yes! Please welcomeRanveer Singh! – Yes! That calls for a wrap up.Keep on smiling. Return to your houses. The show is over. How can he eventreat me like that? He didn’t even hug me. Listen, I congratulateyou on your wedding. But since you got marriedhe got heartbroken. That’s the reason.. That’s not the case, sir.I still love him. One his wedding, he said’Look I took your Deepu!’ Who does that? I actually did that. While scrolling social mediaI found a montage where I saw himgreeting Deepika. He kept on saying, ‘Hi, Deepu’.. At times,I feel as if he married her to tease me. I don’t mind getting teasedtwice, but not five times! He tweeted, ‘I’m gettingmarried to Deepika.’ After that,I would’ve cried and stopped. Why did he have to spenda fortune on a reception? To be frank, Idon’t want to interview you. But I must do my work.Ranveer, how does it feel to be here? Yes. Now I feel better.. You may leave now.Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Let’s have a roundof applause for the artistes. The powerhouse of energy. He is the treasureof entertainment. Wow!- You set heartbeats pacing from wherever you cross. Bravo!- Great! You are that billof Bollywood’s economy. Which has the highestnumber written on it. Such a nice financial couplet.- That’s right. – Wow! Let’s have a roundof applause for him. Congratulations, sir. ‘Simmba’ is doing good. How does it feel to be here? I am delighted to knowthat people are liking the film. But after beinghere back with you it feels I’m at home. He’s saying nowthat he’s feeling at home while outsidehe was telling someone that it’s likehis wife’s parents’ place. Well,I wait for the invitation to go. I like it so much. I feel as ifI underwent laughter therapy. Well, love you.. From the heart. In ‘Simbma’ Ranveer has playedthe role of a police officer. When he does films like ‘BajiraoMastani’ and ‘Padmaavat’ he gets into thecharacter so much that he detaches himself fromthe family, media, and mobile. But when you weredoing ‘Simmba’.. – Yes? at that time you weregradually drawing closer to your wedding as well.- Yes, that’s right. Then didn’t Deepikadisturb you during the film. Although I was really disturbedhearing about the wedding. Well, she often used to callasking about things like how’s the colour,about flowers and ‘sherwani’.. As she was doing everything. You had it easy. And my standardresponse used to be ‘Do as you wish.’ Moving on. Ranveer,when you had done ‘Befikre’ there were severalaction scenes in it. Did you have to preparefor that as well or you kneweverything beforehand? Tell them. Which ‘Befikre’?I wasn’t there in it. Don’t even feel likewatching such a pretty one.. According to youAkshay Kumar is your role model. You do one film in twoyears, he does four in one. How can he be your role model? Tell them.Our viewers want to know. I don’t to know.I have no interest. I’m listeningto everything he says. ‘Dear,there’s nothing much to life.’ ‘Have a family and make money.’ Bravo. So, Akshay Kumarasked you to have a family. That’s right. Did you get any advicefrom Mr. Salman? Tell them. Our viewerswant to know. I don’t. I did. I didn’t take it. You feel like laughing so muchwearing the black coat. Fine. My anger is gone.Because if I get angry I’ll be ruining my show. Hence, we’re friends again. A big hand for my brother. Did Deepika choose this as well? A special jacket for your show. I look likea red velvet cupcake. It’s his life..- Yes. While Deepikachoses his clothes. Like ‘Ranveer,how do you like this?’ While mine was broughtby the man outside. ‘This would fityou just fine, sir!’ I was like, ‘Fine, give it.’ I said,’It’s ripped from there.’ He said, ‘Let’s juststitch it from over there.’ I just don’t feellike wearing clothes. And now a give it upfor my friend here. Jokes apart I’d like to be honestabout something. I like this couple,Deepika and Ranveer, so much. And they’rethe most beautiful couple. In the world. I’d writtenthat even in social media. And you.. Both of you are made for each other. And you’re most welcome. Once again, manycongratulations for ‘Simmba’. Give a big hand. Mr. Sidhu, do you knowRanveer wanted to become a cricketer before?- Yes. Then he changed his mind.. Mr. Ranveer, did you seriouslywant to get into cricket? I’ll do it now. My next film is ‘1983’.- Right. And I’m playing Kapil Dev in it. Wow!- Great. World Cup. You see I’ve beenan off spinner. Hence, I think,it’s going to be difficult to matchwith Mr. Kapil Dev’s style. Oh, no. Impossible isa word in a fool’s dictionary. If there’s a will,there’s a way. Impossible is nothing. Impossible is nothing! Yes! That’s it! Mr. Sidhu, he’s workingon Mr. Kapil’s biopic. So when a man does one biopic,he’s offered many. Any other thatyou’ve been offered. I was offered another one.Of Waqar Younis’s. I didn’t get any offer. I didn’t say anything. Did I say anything, sir? Listen, sir. Please listen. Sir.. Did I say anything? Hey! Did I say anything? He’s the one who got the offer. Did I comment about it? When did I make a comment? Come on! Did I say anything,Mr. Sidhu? I’ll hit you. Mr. Sidhu, you are my brother. Will you mock your brother? Refuse to do that biopic. You won’t do it.- I won’t do it. Even if you do that don’t mentionthe incident of 1990. Refuse to do that scene. Mr. Sidhu, you know what?- What? The place in Italywhere Ranveer got married is called, Villa del.. Sorry.Villa del.. Try saying it 2,000 times,but you will still fail. Why won’t I be able to say it?Villa del Balbianello. What was the name,Mr. Ranveer? Villa del Balbianello. Exactly. Did you choosesuch a venue intentionally so that people with weakEnglish don’t reach there? We cannot tell the nameto the rickshaw driver. No, there are norickshaws there. It is a rich country. If you ask anybodyto drop you to Shastri Nagar he will dropyou immediately. But if I ask somebodyto drop me at Villa del.. It is very difficult. You got marriedin Villa del Balbianello. Wow! I am not ableto pronounce the name. So, let me changethe question. Villa del Balbianello. Once more.. Almost..- Villa del.. Bal..- Bal.. Bianello.- Yes. May God bless both of you.Be happy always. Both of youare very sweet. Let’s have a huge roundof applause for ‘Simmba’. Come, Mr. Ranveer.Please sit. Mr. Ranveer, congratulationson your wedding. Thank you. I didn’t get a chanceto dance at your wedding. So, I made upfor it here. Hey, what were you doing? Is anybodytalking to you? Sit here. Mr. Ranveer,please sit here. Mr. Sidhu..Sit.. Nobody will hit you.Please sit. I will stand.What is your problem? Mr. Sidhu, I’ll tellyou a story today. – Okay. This is the story of a boywho boarded the Western Express and came to Mumbaifrom Amritsar. Mr. Sidhu, the boy had a dream.- Really? A handsome boyhad the same dream. The handsome boy’s dreamwas fulfilled and the unhandsome boywas hosting a show. That doesn’t make any sense. The pointis that you couldn’t succeed. ‘Deepu..’ You kept addressing heras ‘Deepu’. Mr. Ranveer shatteredall your dreams! Mr. Ranveer,I am very happy. Truly, even you maynot have enjoyed so much by attending the wedding the way I enjoyedwithout attending it. He is talking as thoughhe received the invitation but couldn’t attend it.Idiot! It’s all right if I did notreceive the invitation. The bride and groom didn’tknow me very well. It’s okay. But, Mr. Sidhu,the person who dreamt of becoming the groom was not invited. I agree.. I agree that Italy is far. Italy.. Do you know wherein Italy they got married? Yes, the same placewhich you couldn’t pronounce. Mr. Ranveer,I agree that Italy was far.. But the receptions in Indiawhere respectable.. The respected.. Oh, my God! Mr. Sidhu,I am a bit nervous by seeingMr. Ranveer’s energy. Even in allthe receptions in India where respectable.. It’s not his fault. The word, ‘Respected’,doesn’t suit him. Respected! Does that word suit you? Words like ‘Dust’ ‘Heat’, ‘Sunstroke’and ‘Sweat’ suit you. Mr. Sidhu,no matter how my face is but it was neverlike the one he is sporting now. Mr. Sidhu, it is thefirst episode of the show. It’s a new start. I won’treprimand you. Do what you want. But I will say it. I will talk today. Mr. Ranveer.- Yes. You got married.- Yes. Loud musicmust have been played. You must havedanced a lot, right? Even I have createda similar set-up. I have invited a singer. Master Mayoos Ali Khan. Shame on you. How will he singwhen his name means to be sad? Even if Shakiradances today you will get the feelingof Pankaj Udhas’ songs today. So, presenting.. The wordsare of the singer. The feelingis of Kapil Sharma. My wish..Mr. Mayoos Ali Khan! I spoke about Kapil’s feelings.You’re expressing your feelings. Mr. Sidhu,what does the poet say? The poet says that happiness is visibleon the face after marriage. Wow! – Happiness is visibleon the face after marriage. I have heardthat Deepika addresses Ranveer as Kapil’s brother-in-law. Oh, God.. Kapil! I want to ask youa question. How many wedding partiesdid you host? – Yes. One, two, three,four, five, six seven, eight,nine, ten, eleven.. Between 11 and 12. Eleven!Eleven to twelve parties? You know, Mr. Ranveer,when he got married he sat on the mare.The mare threw him down. The mare askedwhether he was the groom. Listen to me. Which groom does this?He was sitting on the mare. The band was playing. He asked how muchthey get paid for playing the instruments.The man said, Rs. 600. He told one of them to siton the mare and he will play it. Are you enjoying?- Yes. Recite a poem then. The world cannot explainanything to a person who cannot understandwhat true love is. Wow! The world cannot explainanything to a person who cannot understandwhat true love is. Mr. Mayoos! We are talking about ‘Simmba’.Go from here. This has hurt you more than I got hurt on beingbowled on zero by Waqar Younis. Mr. Sidhu and Chandanhave planned this. They are troubling a single man.- We did not prepare anything. Didn’t youcome prepared? Shall I bring the ‘Sehra’which is kept backstage? Don’t talk nonsense. Play yourpart and leave. – One question.. Mr. Ranveer, thereis a ritual in our weddings where we put milkinto a vessel put the rings in itand look for it. – Yes. Did you have this ritual?- Yes, we had done it. We had decidedon best of three first. She lost.So, I said best of five. This ritual was conductedduring his wedding too. You looked for the ringin the milk. His relatives were lookingfor ‘Paneer’ in the gravy. This man.. I am tellingyou seriously. Mr. Sidhu, his sisters-in-lawstole his shoes. He had all weird lookingsisters-in-law. ‘Brother-in-law!’ Not one of them was pretty. They asked for moneyafter stealing his shoes. He asked whether they getmoney for stealing the shoes. He said that he has alwaysbeen beaten up after stealing the shoes. This man has beentalking nonsense from the time he came here. When the show ends I’ll make Chandan lie downand hit him in such a way that he won’t be able to siton the sofa for six months. He will stand up and talk. Take this. My stomach is aching. Since Ranveer is here today,everyone is mocking me. You have also joinedhands with them. I’ll call my brother.- Okay. Nobody will trouble meonce he comes here. I know that.- Okay. It is time to inviteanother special guest. He is the directorof ‘Simmba’. He doesn’t needany introduction because even thoughhe talks less his film’s success speaksat the box office. Please welcome one of the mostsuccessful directors of our industry,Mr. Rohit Shetty. Mr. Rohit,welcome to the show. Thank you so much.Thank you. I have startedthe show today. It will do well.Just wait and watch. It is a new start. We have a superstar actorand superstar director with us during this new start. Let’s have a huge roundof applause for them. Mr. Rohit,congratulations to you. ‘Simmba’ is doing wellat the box office. Mr. Rohit, please sit.- Okay. Mr. Rohit has directedmany films earlier. He has directed ‘Singham’and ‘Singham Returns’ which were basedon the police department. Both the filmswere a big hit. When a filmbecomes a hit people start a franchise. They start directing sequels. You directed ‘Singham 2’. But people were waitingfor ‘Singham 3’ too. How did you getthe thought of making ‘Simmba’? I have developed the habitof directing sequels. So, I even felt ashamedof making sequels. So, I started a new brand. That is whyyou directed ‘Simmba’. I will direct sequelsof this film as well. Then I will direct ‘Singham 3’. I will direct ‘Golmaal 5’. I am onlydirecting sequels. Mr. Sidhu, people collectFDs for their old age. I am also collectingmy FDs. Those people createan identity in this world who make difficultiesthe fun of life. Oh, wow! Rohit won’t be scaredof the storm of the sea. He uses the stormas his boat. Wow, well said! Pal, Mr. Rohit has directed13 films as of now. – Yes. Out of which, I believe 9 to10 are with Mr. Ajay. Yes, indeed. Ranveer Singh is workingon Simba. According to my knowledge.. Other than giving box officehits and marrying Deepika.. He hasn’t achieved anything. So, out of all the men,why Ranveer? Are you talking abouthis marriage? Well said. Sir, funny story. I was there at the wedding when this incident took place. I married your dreamgirl,Deepika. I was a witness. Let’s change the topic. What will happenin the year 2019? I’ll celebrate my firstanniversary. Thats all. And maybe next year,we’d welcome a new member in the family. And the first word out of hismouth will be, maternal uncle. Are we here for Simba’spromotion or my demotion? I’m perplexed. Mr. Rohit, Ranveer is veryenergetic as a person. Yes, he is. – I think,if the government permits he can even producehis own electricity. He’s so energetic. Ranveer wins the heartof the people he runs into. I know this frompersonal experience. Not a couple of minutes, it tookme six years to win her heart. Six years? Elders say, it takes timeto win a lady’s heart. God made you a loving cou’le What’s there in time.. I’m really happy for you, sir. Even though,deep down I’m upset. But I love you both, sir. Sir. There’s every emotionin Mr. Rohit’s films. Action, romance, a superhitcomedy sequel under his belt. According to me.. He’s the best action moviedirector of this time. He’s a good friend of Ajay sir. Ajay sir, has also started hiscareer with action films. Akshay sir,performs dangerous stunts. Ranveer,does his own action sequence. All the action stars,who do their job well have a perfectcomedy timing too. So, can we conclude that theones with decent comedy timing can also begood action heroes? You do get, I’m addressingthe elephant in the room. The one,who attended Deepika’s marriage? The same maternal-uncle guy. Is it now? I see. I see, that guy. Mr. Sony, you may deductthe unwated part of my fee but delete theseunwanted lines too. They’re spolingall the good work. Mr. Sony won’t delete a thing. I’m the seniormostjury of Mr. Sony. He won’t delete a thing. Audience,we have Mr. Rohit with us today. We have Ranveer with us today. We had a lot of funin today’s episode. I don’t feel likeletting them go. And I won’t. We’ve just begun the show. I want to have a lot more fun. Thanks for coming, Mr. Rohit.Thank you, so much. Mr. Ranveer, thank you so much. Mr. Ranveer and Mr. Rohit will join us againin the next episode. But, we also have special guestsfrom Simba’s star cast. Sara Ali Khan and Sonu Sood. See you tomorrow. So, smile,laugh and keep watching.. The Kapil Sharma Show, only onSony Entertainment Television. Good night!