– Welcome one and all to Dimension 20. Our cast of players will assume the role of heroic adventurersembarking on a dangerous quest. Our story takes placein the world of Spyre. Spyre mostly conforms to your expectations for a world of swords and sorcery with one notable exception,and that’s Elmville. Elmville is a little townin a nation called Solace. Solace may be home to elves,orcs, dwarfs, and gnomes, but it resembles more of a1950s through 1980s America. There are several schools in Elmville, but our story begins at theAguefort Adventuring Academy, the world’s premiere trainingground for would-be heroes. Our story begins with six freshmen on their first day of school, and the first bell’s just about to ring. Without any further ado,Dimension 20 proudly presents, Fantasy High!(bomb exploding) My name is Brennan Lee Mulligan. I’m the dungeon masterfor you guys this evening. We’re gonna be playing a little bit of a tabletop RPG here withthe CollegeHumor cast. Say hi, guys. (all cheering)(all talking at once) This is Miss Emily Axford. – Not today, but yeah. (laughing) – [Brennan] Zac Oyama. – Also not today. – [Brennan] Siobhan Thompson. – I will refuse it, take it back. – [Brennan] Lou Wilson? – I’ll take it. – Ally Beardsley.- Sure. – And Brian Murphy.- As Riz Gukgak. (players laughing) – [Lou] There it is. – We’re gonna be playinga little role playing game for you guys, thanks forcoming and playing with us. This season marks thebeginning of our adventure into the world of Fantasy High, where we ask the questionthat has long gone unasked. What would happen ifJohn Hughes ran a game of a tabletop RPG, andwe’re gonna find out today. Swords, high school, puberty, magic, it’s all coming together. We’re going to descend to somebody’s home, why don’t we have thisdecided by roll of the dice? That feels fine to me.- Oh no. – Oh yes.(dice clatters) – Hell yeah, we’re gonna go downtown. – Yep.(dramatic music) (Lou chuckling) – As the clouds part,a flock of gulls flies over the Marigold River heading down to an area of wealth and expansive taste. It’s downtown Elmville, and we see that amongst the manorsthere is a colossal gilded man o’war, a pirate ship, great and mighty that has been dry docked
great and mighty that has been dry docked and dragged out of theriver, all the way up onto land and turned into a mansion. We see vast hedgerows and various bankers and also pirates dragging chests of gold up through hedge mazesand topiary and fountains, and we see, out on alittle, sort of clay patio, Lou, would you describeyourself for the other players? – Oh, of course, hello, I’mFabian Aramais Seacaster, I’m a half elf, I’m, of course, the son of the famous WilliamSeacaster, the great adventurer who sailed the CelestineSea, freeing slaves and raising up nations. I’m a fencer by trade, Ialso know how to glass blow and I’m quite good at calligraphy. (laughing) And I am absolute thrilled to be here at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy. Very excited to kind ofstart on my adventure of becoming an adventurermuch like my father, that I may too, oneday, take up the mantle of the Seacaster name andsow my heroism across Spyre. – You’re out on a lovely day, you wake up early in the morning, you had a great green protein shake made by your halfling maid Cothilda, and you’re out on the patiowith your fencing instructor, Herzon, practicing.- Fantastic. – There’s the sound ofswords and sabers ringing off of each other, Fabian,what does your character look like so that we know? – I’m six one, white hair, a relative, like a thinner, like avery, how would you say? – Lean, athletic?- There you go. Lean muscle, that’swhat I was looking for. – Whoo.- Oh. (laughing) – Very lean muscle, very dextrous, but also incredibly strong. – Like a soccer player or a swimmer? – So like a swimmer’s body?- Yeah. A real Michael Phelps type.- Oooh. – Oh okay, shoulders, hello. – For those of you at home, but yeah. – [Zac] Picture MichaelPhelps with a sword. (all laughing) – And white hair- Such a tiny sword in comparison to the size of his body. – As Herzon and you fence, your mother, Hilariel Seacaster, a high elf with beautiful longflowing hair and sort of, kind of like a fusion kimono, some kind of silk garment— Oh my god. I love her.- Hanging off one shoulder. As an elf, she’s immortal, so she looks about as, you just like early 20s, even though she’s about 200 years old. She has just a huge goblet of wine, it’s about 9:30 a.m. in the morning.
it’s about 9:30 a.m. in the morning. – Oh mama.- She goes, “Darling, you look wonderful,are you winning the fight, “’cause I don’t–” – Oh mama, Herzon is reallygiving it to me today, but don’t worry, I’ll best him yet. – Herzon, you let my boy win. Let him win, my sweet boy, sweet boy. – Herzon, don’t you dare takeit easy on me, all right, I need to be strong. (laughing) – Of course, I wouldnever take it easy on you. You are a champion, you havethe gift of your father. – Yes.- You hear a voice say, “Did someone mentionthe man of the house?” – Oh, Papa!- Stomping out of a gold archway is themost piraty fuckin’ pirate you ever seen in yourlife, tri-corner hat, eye patch, saber at his side, a long coat. In this, weird 1950s suburb, he sticks out like a fuckin’ sore thumb. Your father made his wealth by means that some call heroic andothers would call evil, but those are, anyone’s gonna talk about someone who’s achieved greatness. He swaggers out onto the patio and says, “My deardarling boy, there he is, “the apple of my eye, my pride and joy.” – Oh, Papa. – As he grabs your head andkisses you on both cheeks and goes, “Now, today isyour first day of school, “all right, now, I neverhad much in the way “of book learnin’, neverwas raised in no school “of any kind, so here’s whatyou do on your first day, “all right, now I’ve asked around. “You find the biggestand meanest man there.” – Yes, Papa.- Mmmm. – Go up to him, and you drive your fist hard and strong right into his stomach and send him to his knee.- Yes, Papa. That’s what I’ll do, justlike you would’ve done if you ever went to school. – That’s right, my sweet boy. Now, I have a little present for you, if you’re so inclined.- Oh. (players gasp)Papa. – You see he reachesinto a bag and pulls out a red and white Aguefort letter jacket for the bloodrush team,the Aguefort Owlbears. – Oh, Papa! (players laughing) – He hands it to you and says, “Oh my boy, my sweetboy, now, technically, “you’re not on the team yet. “They’re going to have someinformal tryouts today, “mainly for people that are comin’ back “and have played earlier season. “Now, you’re a freshman, but I’ve had “a little bit of a conversationwith Coach Daybreak,
adventure academy “a little bit of a conversationwith Coach Daybreak,
“a little bit of a conversationwith Coach Daybreak, “who is the coach ofthe Owlbears over there, “and I understand he’llbe accommodating you, “in terms of a tryout today.” – Oh, fantastic, Papa. Thank you so much, I mean, the tryout’s just a simple formality,I mean, we both know that I have the skills to be a champion. (Emily laughs) – Of course, are you crazy? You’re my son, you’re adirect reflection of me. – Yes.- You and your glory is the same as my glory.- Yes it is. – That’s how we relate to each other. (players laughing)- Exactly, Papa. – That’s our goal, now,in addition to your skill and your talent and your rawpower as a master of combat, I’ve also paid a handsome sum of money to Coach Daybreak, a bribe.- Well, of course. – An illegal bribe.- I would do the exact same. – Of course.- I would have done it if you hadn’t.- What do we say is the relationshipbetween luck and talent? – 500 gold pieces.(all laughing) – My sweet boy, I love you. – I love gold.- I love you. – I love you.- See, he grabs your head and kisses you on the forehead and he looks over, you see that your mom is just, literally, winking at her son and waving over at him, until he goes, “My darling wife, I’llbe dead in the grave “and she’ll still be alive.” – I know that, Papa.- You know I’ll die before you, long before.- Yeah. – The elven blood in you.- You tell me everyday. – Time ticks away, grainof sand by grain of sand. – Yes, Papa, yes, ofcourse, of course it does. – We cannot live forever. So what must we do to live forever? Write our name on the face of the world with our heroic deeds.- Yes, yes, of course, Papa. Write my name on the face ofthe world with heroic deeds, yeah, I will.- Good, that’s all, that’s all it is.- Great, thank you. – Now get yourself to school.- Okay, thanks, Papa. (all laughing) – We are going to cut now to another one of our brave adventurers.- Whoo. – Oh boy, oh boy! We’re gonna cut overnow to the neighborhood of Elm Valley.(inspiring gospel music) (all laughing) Oh Lord, save us, we arecutting over to Elm Valley now, where we’re going to go andmeet our wonderful friend, it’s her first day of school at Aguefort, it’s Kristen Applebees. Kristen Applebees, you’rein your bedroom right now, you’ve got an emblem of a cob of corn
you’ve got an emblem of a cob of corn in praise to Helio, the god of corn, and his father, Sol, the god of the sun. You have been touchedby his spirit divine, you have been sent to this world to share the healingpower of your god, amen. – It’s true.(laughing) – You see, describe your character, and what they look like,what their room is like, what’s kind of going on.- Yeah, Kristen Applebees is always wearing a tie-dyeshirt from a summer camp that she went to, likea religious summer camp. She has red hair, freckles, she’s like, was made for camp.(all laughing) She walks around with her leather Bible that has her name engraved on the cover, she’s always holding it, and yeah, she’s big into the corn god. – You hear a bunch of noise. You have a one story,kinda like ranch house, a little, that kind of like, Elm Valley is a super conservative neighborhood. Out in the living room there’s a sofa and a playpen for your little brothers. You hear your little brothers,Bucky, Bricker and Cork are all out, just rollingaround on the ground. Their school starts a littlebit later than yours does. And you hear your dad,Mac, and your mom, Donna, yelling out there,saying, “I swear to God, “Bricker, if you don’t giveyour dad back his halberd “you’re not gonna be ableto play when you get home, “all right, now say yourprayers, wash your hands “and get ready to get to school.” You hear a knock on the door.(knocking) And you hear the voice of your mom say, “Kristen, you up in there? “You almost ready to goto school sweetheart?” – Yeah, I’m, I just finished praying. – You see the door opens,and you see your mom leans her head in, your mom’ssort of a thickset woman. She’s got those littlesort of short sleeved mom shirt and the shorts,she’s got hiking boots on. Your mom and dad are human paladins. They work for the border patrol, going and making sure that people from the Mountains of Chaos and monsters don’t get in, you see your mom says “All right, say yourprayers to the corn god, “Helio, praise be.”- I am, I’m almost done. Just another hour.- All right, okay, we’re gonna be pretty late if you, if you were gonna do a whole hour. – I, okay, I guess I can,everything is a form of prayer, so I guess I’ll just go, let’s go. – See your mom gets a littlemisty eyed and she says, “Oh, sweetheart, I am soglad that you were chosen “and Pastor Amelia is so proud of you, “listen, it’s not toolate for us to send you “to Sun Peak to go train with the monk.” – No, mom, I wanna rubshoulders with real people. I wanna go to parties and dump my beer down the sink and refillthe beer can with water so no one feels weird around me. – Gotcha.(all laughing) Look, as you can see, shesays, you see she says, “Look, Helio asks us tolive a pure life, right? “I just, you’re gonna be goin’ to a school “with elves and–“- Mom, I think your and dad’s stance is racist. – I, (scoffs) okay.- You’re only for humans who look like you, have youever looked at all your friends, mom, do any of ’em look different? – How can I be racist against an elf? I never met one, I never met,I don’t even know an elf! – Exactly, you’ve never met one. – Okay, okay, so this is— You know what? If Helio was here rightnow, he would pop out of a corn husk,(Emily laughs) he would pop into a milliondifferent pieces of himself, and he would spread those pieces around to all parts of the city. He wouldn’t just be hangin’ out here. – I, I, I, I, I, okay. You know, I’m not smartenough to go toe to toe with you Kristen.- Agh. – I’m a simple woman, and youknow, I haven’t read the book as close, I’m not chosen, so– – You’re really smart, Mom, okay? I love you and I thinkyou’re really smart, and I think you’re relyingon I don’t know very much, and I wanna hear you never say that again. – You see that your Dadpokes his head and says, “Everything all right in here? “We’re about to head out, or–” – [Ally] Yeah, we’refine, I’m gonna go meet all my elf friends.- The hell? You got elf friends already? What the hell?- I hope so! I hope I don’t even have one human friend. – All right, well youknow what, we’re done, you can talk to Helio, soyou know, you would know. You get piled into a station wagon, you can see your littlebrothers bouncing around in the backseat, you hear your dad turn the elemental rune keythat starts the engine up and you guys start heading off. You see your brother, Cork,who’s your littlest brother and he goes, “You go to ‘Venture School? – Mmmhmm.- You gonna fight a dragon? – I hope so.- Really? – Mmmhmm.- You’re so cool. (sniffs) – Do you wanna tissue? Do you wanna wet nap? Do you wanna tissue?- Huh? (snorts) I’m okay.- No. – I’ve got crayon up there. – What?- I gotta whole crayon. – You have a whole crayon in your nose? Here, oh god.- Jesus. – You see that a small bitof light covers his nose. Ahhhhh!(string fanfare) – What, you heal your brother back there? – Yes.- Well, you know what? I got no worries about you. You guys take off, oohbaby, here’s the next one. (foreboding music) It’s really feeling… (plaintive music)(all laughing) So, it’s pretty early. It’s a misty gray kindamorning over in Little Branch. Little Branch is the area oftown where the small folk live. There’s a lot of miniaturehouses over there, and we see over in a littlecorner of a neighborhood, sort of far away, there’s a tree, and it’s a tree with a little door in it and there’s littlewindows and little pulleys and kites and all kindsof things of gnomish make, clever little contraptionsand wonderful things and there, in the middle of the tree, standing up from a bed thatfills up the entire tree at almost, sort of a slant, even, the face sort of pressedup against the windowsill, is Gorgug Thistlespring,Gorgug, can you tell us sort of what you look like andwhat you’re doin’ right now? – Uh, yeah, I’m Gorgug, I’m 14. I’m six feet, four inches tall. I’m a lot bigger thanthis house that I’m in. (Emily laughs) I kinda don’t have a lot of friends. I’m not good, really,at talking to people. I like keeping to myselfand just sort of drawing or something or listening to music. I’m adopted, by the way, myparents are little gnomes, and I’m a lot bigger than them. Last night I broke my bed in my sleep. (all laughing) – Aww.- Again. I just like to keep to myself. – Well, Gorgug is therein his gray hoodie, he’s got his headphones on,listening to some music. – Ahhh.(Ally laughing) – Evanescence, no doubt.(all laughing) – And you see that it’s pretty early and you see that comingin from the workshop, your adoptive mom and dad,Digby and Wilma Thistlespring are tinkerers, and you see they come in. Your dad’s kinda got this muttonchops and he’s bald, he’s gotthese sort of goggles on. Your mom’s kinda like the little, sort of, workshop bandanna around her head, they both have aprons onand have their little curly, pointed shoes, you see yourdad and mom both walk in, and your mom goes, “Well,hey there, sweetie, “you’re already up.”- Yeah, I got up pretty early. I broke my bed again.- Oh, sweetheart, that’s no problem, aww, onthe first day of school. You see that your dadimmediately goes over and starts doing some gnomish spell, takes up a hammer and starts(magic tinkles) mending it with magic,and you see he says, “Hey, you know what? “Sometimes a thing gets broken, “and when you rebuild it, it’sstronger for it, you know? “A lotta things are like that. “You put a sword in a steel forge, “you gotta beat the hell outta that thing “to get it nice and hardand sharp, you know? “Breaking things isn’t bad.” – I mean, you keep saying that,but I keep breaking things. (all chuckle) – It’s always good, it’s always good that you’re break, you know— I had a weird dream where I got really mad, and then I woke up and my bed was broken.- Okay. – So you guys have dreamswhere you’re mad all the time? – You see that Digby and Wilmalook at each other and go, “Well, sure, sure.”- Really? I was just thinking about,I’ve never seen you mad. – Well, you didn’t see mewhen the, your old Pa here dropped a screwdriver on my dang thumb. I was fit to, you know,I said, “Hey, you know, “watch it, buster!” He really got it.- You were so mad and you said, “Hey, watch it, buster!”? (all laughing)- Well, yeah. – I feel like my insides are boiling. – Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.- When I’m mad. I’m not mad right now. – Okay, that’s, hey, you know what? Everybody gets madsometimes, and you know, one thing you can think aboutwhen you’re going to school is hey, things aren’t going my way, I’m getting pretty PO’d. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna sing a song.- Sing a song? – Your mom grabs a little harp and your dad grabs a little ukelele and they start sort ofharmonizing, and they go like, ♪ When you feel a little mad ♪ ♪ It’s probably becauseyou really feel sad ♪ ♪ Just remember your mom and dad ♪ ♪ And then you’ll startto feel real glad ♪ – I’m glad.- That’s right. That’s right, bud, so just sing that song around the other high schoolersif you start feeling upset. (Emily laughs) – Okay, I gotta go.(all laughing) – See, Gorgug, you walkout, you see your mom by the door, hands youa little tin flower. And you see, she says,”Now, another thing, “that back at Oakshield you had, you know, “it was a little bit of a hurdle “trying to, it was abit, we had a little bit “of a hard time tryingto make pals, right? “But making pals is justlike making a flower, “you know, you think–” – It’s just like making a flower? – Sure, everything’sjust like something else. – Oh— You just– – Please don’t sing another song. (all laughing) You see your dad softly puts his ukelele (players laughing)put that down, you see your mom goes,”Well, with a flower, “you think, hey, whatshould that thing look like? “And how would I makeit, and what would I do? “and you’re thoughtful, and then, and then “you’re real careful withit, and then you put the work “and you put the elbow grease in “and you do it with love the whole time. “And if you just go be yourself, “be your great good selfwith your great big heart “I just know you’llmake some friends, bud.” – Okay, thank you, Mom, I’ll go to school and I’ll try to make a friend today. – Maybe give him the flower! – I don’t— Maybe give him the flower! You know?- Thanks for the flower. – That could make a friend. – [Zac] I’m gonna buya friend with a flower. – Well, it’s not buy a giftas in buying, you know, a gift isn’t buying something, you know, and you give someone a compliment, is that buying something something? Or give you someone a smile? – No, okay.- Give someone a smile? You ever do that? Wow, yeah them tusks, themtusks are really comin’ in, bud. – They’re so big.(all laughing) – We’re going to cut now,let’s see here, ooh boy. We will now go little bitnorth of here to Clearbrook. (bright classical music)- Oh my goodness. – Here in the neighborhood of Clearbrook, we now venture through the lofty woods and the shaded streets tothe Abernant residence, where we find ourselvesat the breakfast table with Mr. Anguin Abernant,Miss Elianwen Abernant, Miss Eolwyn Abernant,and Miss Adaine Abernant, at a small breakfast nookwith crystalline windows, small spinning elven pylonof pure runic magical energy, small unseen servants,little air elementals whisk eggs and tea andother things like that to the table back and forth. You see that your father,the elven diplomat from Falinel reads thepaper and ruffles it. Your mother, a professor at Hudol looks down at her tea and goes over her curriculum for the day, and your older sister,prim, proper and perfect in her Hudol uniform, sits next to you. Describe your character tous, if you’d be so kind. I’m Adaine Abernant, I’m the daughter of the elvish ambassador. I was at Hudol, butunfortunately, I failed the entrance exam to getinto the upper school because I had a littlebit of panic attack, but Aguefort’s good too, Aguefort’s, I’m happy to be at Aguefort, that’s good. It’s like actually, I’m betterat the practical applications of magic anyway, and I’m good I, I, I, it’s good, I’m excited to go. (laughing)- Bloody good. – So at the table, yousee that your father sort of ruffles thepaper and says, (sighs) “Hoo, ghastly business, that. “I’m sure this will comeout at our next meeting “at the council, it’s dreadful,that’s really dreadful.” (Brennan clears throat) – I hate it when you do that.- What’s that? – You say a thing is dreadfulbut you don’t say what it is. – Do you want to know?- I don’t know! – Adaine, an inquiring mindis one that sees before it the opportunity for knowledgeand strives to move forward. Your sister, Eolwyn, for example, I trust that when she wants toknow something she will ask. That’s the mind of aresearcher rather than sort of the responsive, more visceral attitude of a practical caster, you understand. – If you really wanted us to know things, you’d get us papersourselves, except you sit here and you say, “Oh gosh, terrible, oh drat, “what a thing,” andthen I have to ask you, instead of you saying, “Ohlook, here’s some actual “practical information thatyou might want to know.” – You see, your sistersays, “I get the paper “on my crystal, do you not,I get it on my crystal.” – I’m not allowed acrystal because I failed the entrance exam.- That’s right. You’re not allowed a crystal. Well, I’m sure if you kill a hobgoblin maybe you’ll, what are the sort of things they do at Aguefort, I’m not sure. It’s an honest question, doyou kill hobgoblins at this– – I cast Ray of Sicknessunderneath the kitchen table. (all laughing)(cauldron bubbles) – You see your sister goes (retches) (vomit splashing)and vomits all– (Emily laughs)- Oh dear. I mean, I think that maybemy sister is too sick to go to school today.- Now, now, children. No offensive spell casting at the nook. That’s going to take awhole prestidigitation to clean up, Arianwen,do you want to do that? Very well, father. Your mother swirls herhand and says, “Adaine, “I don’t understandwhy you and your sister “can’t simply get along?”- Why don’t you ask her? Why do you always ask me? – Well, I don’t know, Idon’t choose to examine that. I’m rather busy, I’m tryingto get this curriculum today. – Yes, of course, you’rerather busy for me. – You see that she looksover at your father, immediately ignoring thatvery pointed statement that you just made, and says, “Dear, “do tell me what you see in the news.” He says, “Well, the elvenoracle has died in a shipwreck. “Very dreadful business,on her way from Falanel “to Bastion City, lookslike her ship, the Cerulean, “just went down, dreadful affair. “Ought to be dealing withthat, I’m sure the art magi “will have no end of talkingabout what’s to be done. “Terrible.”- She can’t have been that good an oracle if shedidn’t see the storm coming. – Adaine!- I, what, why? – You see, Eolwyn goes (smearing) “Now, really, Adaine,that’s much too much.” – I’m just saying.- Stinks. Your sort of breakfastconcludes, your father gives you a very chaste kiss on the head and your sister, so your mother gets up and says, “I trust that yougirls won’t see us off.” She says, “Eolwyn, ifyou’d like to take the car “you can do that, and Adaine, I understand “that there’s a busthat goes to Aguefort?” – I mean, other people’sparents might have found that out for them.- Well, I think this is a very wonderfultime for you to apply some of your divination casting, perhaps gaze into a crystal ball, see if the bus is comingto a certain place. That’s sort of the thingthey value there, isn’t it? – Very well, I shall findmy own way to school. – That’s my good girl, sohe kisses you on the head. You get your stuff andget ready to head out. You’ve got kind of thislittle prep uniform as well. Your father walks over to you and says, “Oh, Adaine, before you go, I’dlike to give you something.” You see he takes this big crystal orb out from a satchel, you see he says, “This is an arcane focusthat an old friend of mine, “a warcaster from the military in Falanel “employed for his spellcasting. “I’ve had no use for an arcane focus, “but I understand you’ll be spellcasting “under adverse conditions, so perhaps “it would be of some use to you.” – Thank you, father.- Oh, you’re very welcome. Here you are.- It’s very, it’s very big. – What’s that?- Thank you. – Why would it be impractical to fight with a two foot diameter orb?(players laughing) Wouldn’t a large orb, it helpsyou focus the spell energy. I’m trying, Adaine, Ireally do try my best. (Lou laughing) I don’t know what to tell you, Adaine, this is a touching giftfrom a friend of mine. You don’t like it, you cangive it back, that’s fine. – No, I, thank you, thank you, father. (Emily chuckles)I’ll put it in my backpack. I guess.- I don’t think it’ll fit, but try your best.- Then I will, I’ll carry it in my hands to school onmy first day of school. I’m sure it will make a great impression with these new people.- You see that your father ducks away, you and Eolwyn start walking, and you see that she looks over at you, and she says, “That was amean trick with the vomit “and all that, I don’tever cast spells at you.” – Yes you do, all the time. – Well, mine are always funnier, you know, they have a ironic sort of twist. – I cast Tasha’s Hideous Laughter. (witch cackles)(all laughing) – Make a saving throw, if you’d be so kind for Tasha’s Hideous Laughter.(dice clatter) – Oh.- What’d you roll? – A four, do I have pointsto add to it, that– – Did she reverse it at her? – That she does.- Oh, ho ho ho, that’s badass. (all laughing) – Trying to look like I’m not panicking, just still laughing like a crazy person. – Your sister is so cool.- Oh no. – I love your sister.- And on top of it her, her uniform is justslightly better fitting. – Make a wisdom roll for your wisdom save. – Four plus wisdom, (laughs)four’s not gonna do it. – Great. – You start cackling like a lunatic.(all laughing) Also gonna need to have youmake a wisdom saving throw for your panic attack condition. (Siobhan sighs)(die clatters) – 20, 18 plus two.- 18 plus two. Cool, so you don’t go into a panic attack but you do start laughing like a lunatic. You see, she says, “See, for example, “I just said that my spells were funny, “and I’ve turned your laughter spell “back on you, which isboth ironic and funny, “which are the two things thatI said my spells are like. “And I didn’t even haveto use a spell slot, “isn’t that something–“- I’m going to learn so many spells and screwyou, this is my only game in going to this school,to find a group of people to destroy your fucking life.(players chuckling) – You see she says, “I’m sure you will, “you’re going to join oneof those little arcane “secret societies, go voodoo–” – I punch her in the face.(all laughing) – Go ahead and make an attack roll. – Did you use up all yourspell slots on your sister? (Emily laughs)- You just died in your opening.- Three. – Three, you, boy, your skinny elven fist biffs right past her face, and she says, she says, “That sort of purebrute physical violence, “I’m sure that’ll earn you all sorts “of credit at this schoolfor brawling, that’s lovely. “Well done,” you see she says, “Cut, “before you injure yourselfby trying to attack me, “can I just be very clear about something? “Look,” she says, “I, “it’s awful that yougot kicked out of Hudol. “It’s awful, it doesn’treflect well on our family, “but that’s not even the reason.” – I punch her in the face again. (all laughing)- Eight. – Eight, she says, “Really, stop, “what’s to gain at thispoint by throwing punches?” (all laughing)- The game is me hitting you in the face.- And so she says, “I’m trying to help.” – No, you’re trying to help yourself. – [Brennan] You know, look, all right, and just let me do, I’m trying to do a nice older sister thing for once. Can I do it, can I do that? – Can you?(Brennan sighs) – Good grief, all right. Look, Aguefort doesn’twork like Hudol, all right, so all the things about grades and tests and practicals and exams and all that, that’s all out, it’s a nonsense place. It’s all topsy turvy there, all right? They look differentlyon the sort of things that they value there, so thethings that really really work for that academy are, sort of, things that would beinsane to do at Hudol. I heard that one of the best ways to get into an arcanesociety was to steal a book from the restrictedsection on your first day, that that’s something that they look at as, I don’t know, some kindof adventurer’s initiative or it shows, I don’t know, gumption? – I don’t want to takeany more advice from you, ’cause you probably couldn’teven get into Aguefort. Just because you’re goodat Hudol doesn’t mean– – I couldn’t get into Aguefort? – [Siobhan] That you’dbe good at Aguefort. – I could get into Aguefort. – You’d be terrible at Aguefort. – I’d turn that whole schoolaround, brick by brick. I’d lift it up in the air— You’re too scared to try. You’re too scared to try.- I am proper and well behaved and well mannered.- Meh, meh, meh, meh. – So I don’t care toengage in this anymore. – Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh. – All right, fine, go on your first day, get partnered up withsome sort of barbarian, go out into the wilds and get killed on your first adventure, see what I care? – Good, I shall.- You see she turns and walks away.(Brennan laughs) – Whoa.- Tension. (Brennan laughs) – Hell yeah, ba-bum, we now go over to, (smooth jazz music) – Oh yeah.- Oh yeah. – Welcome to Ballaster, whichis kinda like more rundown, more seedy kinda place,kinda bad part of town. You see Strongtower Luxury Apartments, with the luxury kind ofarcano-crystal flickering, (neon light buzzes)so it just goes ke-ke-ke, Strongtower Apartments, we seethat there is a small bedroom and basically, a kind of retrofitted, it’s in a one bedroom apartmentwith a kind of cordoned off bed in the living room witha fake drywall around it. Very small apartment,and we see that there is, sun’s just coming up, there’s some smoke coming from some burningthing on the oven, and there’s a littlebit of coffee in a mug. A very sparse, spartan kinda place, and we see Riz Gukgak. Brian, go ahead and describe Riz for me, if you’d be so kind. – Yeah, so I’m Riz Gukgak. My nickname in middleschool was Briefcase Kid. I’m a goblin, and I don’thave a lot of friends even though I’m prettysocial, which is weird. (all laughing) My only real friend is thishalfling named Penny Luckstone who, technically my babysitter, I had a babysitter until I was 13, but she recently went missing, and my mom is a detective and I’m a (coughs) licensed private investigator, so I am gonna find Penny myself. – So it’s early morning, Iassume you’ve been up all night working your case.- I’ve got my board, it just has the missing girls all just pointed at the school. – Oh, eww.- That’s so creepy to have in a little boy’s room. – I just have a board of missing girls. – He’s trying to find them. – Whatever, creep.- Yeah, whatever. – You’re not here, you’re nothere, none of you are here. – You do take breaks and kiss a pillow. (players laughing) – Oh, Penny, babysit me. – Riz says they’re not kissing a pillow. (players laughing) Just being a private investigator. – You see that it’s early in the morning, you’re kind of looking at the board. It’s a lot of, it’s a really nice board, you got the yarn and everything, it’s kind of sparse clues wise, it’s sort of just thepictures and the dates where they went missingand stuff like that. – Tryin’ to move it aroundto make it different, but it’s, I only have five clues. (all laughing)- You see that the door opens and your mom, Squanda Gukgak walks in. Now Squanda is a classic goblin, she’s got sort of green skin, yellow eyes, the big ears that come out to each side, but has got that classic momhaircut, you know what I mean? Kinda like the bangsand the bob or whatever? Dressed with the sort of white shirt, she’s got an underarm holsterfor a little arquebus, dress shoes, she’s alwaysgotta have the badge hangin’ off of the belt there. You see that she opens the door, walks in. She’s been gone all night working. And you see, she walks in and she goes, “Oh, Riz, sweetie, are you, you’re up? “What are you doin’?”- I kind of, I got some sleep. I slept for four hours, we saidfour hours was the minimum. – Four hours is the minimum.- I got four hours of sleep. – Okay.- And I got up a couple times to work on the board,but for the most part, four hours of sleep.- Sweetie, you know that it’s not great thatyou’re doing this, right? – Well, they’re missing, mom. – Why does it say licensedprivate investigator? – Well, it says un, it’slittle, but it’s legal. – Looks like a smudge, oh, sweetie, that’s, that’s— Technically legal. – Really skirting the line with a lie. – But, overall, okay.- I, look, sweetheart. You gotta lotta gumption,but we have detectives that are working, actuallywe have one detective working this case, but— And I can be your man on the inside.- Man on the inside? – Yeah, that Ague, at the school, right? That’s where, the girlsall went to the school. – Yes, they all went to Aguefort. – And that’s the clue that I have. – She looks at your one clue,and there’s nothing for it, she says, “Okay, you couldthrow a couple more clues “on there, that’s a probable thing, “we could, you know–“- Just read a newspaper? – Yeah, we’ll just read a newspaper, the dates, right, whatkind of circumstances, last seen, last person seen. – That’s why it’s goodto have you around, Mom. – Why am I encouraging this? Don’t do this.(all laughing) Oh god, okay, you’ve eaten? Are you hungry, want something to eat? – I had coffee.- That’s not food, sweetie. – I haven’t eaten, okay,I could use something. – Okay, I’m gonna go getsome, what do we have? You see she opens the fridge, it’s empty. She goes, “Oh yeah, I gotta go shopping.” You see that she opens the, the thing and there’s some cereal. She takes a little thing of cereal out, (spoons clatter) pours two bowls, pours some milk in. You see that there’s notenough milk for two bowls, so then she pours the milk out of her bowl into yours.- Oh my god. – Puts water from the sink in her– (players groan)and then she puts a bit of honey, and you see that she has– (all laughing)- Tryin’ our best. – I love her.- You see she says– – Shout out moms.- “All right, “well, eat up, okay?”(soft music) – Okay thank you.(Brennan and Brian gobble) – Ah, all right, well I’ll go, I’ll find a time to goshopping and get the rest. (sighs) Hey, today, firstday of school, right? – Yep.- And this Saturday, it’s the five year anniversary,so if you wanna head over to the cemetery, we can go visit Dad and sorta see how things are going. – Yeah, yeah, we can do that. – Does that work for you?- Yeah. – We can go in the morning,if you got stuff to do. ‘Cause I know you probably tryto make friends at school– – Yeah, I’m probably gonnabe busy, ’cause I gotta make, so I figured a lotta kidswould just be giving out their phone numbers on their phone, but I made business cards.- (inhales) Boo. – So I’ll probably be busy Saturday. – Okay.- I only get in the morning. – Ah, sweetheart, formality is great when you’ve tryin’ to be a professional, and I know that you seen me work a lot, and so that’s kind of a,you know, professionalism. But there’s something to be say, you know, when I go out with the guys, I’ll knock back a beer,- Right, right. – I’ll kick back a little bit. It’s okay to relax.- Yeah, get ’em relaxed. – Get who? Get them relaxed?- That’s how we get them to tell us— You relax. – Tell us the secrets so that we– – It’s not, okay– – So that we can solve the mystery. – Friends are for morethan clues, sweetie. Friends are for, there’s a lotof things we use friends for. Right, so let’s look atthat as an opportunity to– – Start with the friends,then get the clues. – Okay. (claps) Well, I’m gonna, yougood to get to the bus? – Yeah.- I’m gonna try to, I’m gonna catch a little bit of sleep. Sweetheart, you’re gonna do great. – Thanks, Mom.- You’re the best there is. I love you, have a great day at school. Tell me all about itwhen you get home, okay? – Okay, thanks, Mom. – Gives you a kiss on thehead and she heads off to her bedroom, and we will now cut over to our final–(rock music) – Nice.(rock music) – Ah, hell yeah, we cutover to the Faeth Home way over by the highway,not too many people live out here, it’s kind of a little, has a chain link fence, it’sgot a little attic bedroom up there.- Oh, I’m in the attic? – You’re in the attic.- Fuck yeah. – Fuck yeah, upstairs is a room that last year was filled with pastels and little unicorns,(Emily gags) other shit like that, and nowit’s all fuckin’ band posters, tour lists for who’s gonnabe playin’ at the Black Pit. There’s a sick red guitar in the corner. There’s some horn cream,there’s some cream for your horns that are coming in. You see, Emily, go aheadand describe your character if you would.- Um, my name’s Figueroth. You probably knew me last year as, like, that really bubbly girl who was, like, invited to every party,but all of the sudden, my horns started growing in,and I thought I was an elf, but it turns out, my dad isn’t my real dad and I have a demon for adad, but my mom won’t tell me who he is, so pretty much I’m kinda like, fuck everyone and I’m just like, I’m just like, I’ve got a bass guitar, I’ve got some drumsticks,like, I’m ready to start a bass driven band, and, just like, yeah, just fuck everything,right, okay, that’s it. That’s me, also, my name isFigueroth, my last name is Faeth, but that is the nameof someone who does not have anything to do withme because he’s not my dad, so I’m just Fig now, just Fig. – You see that, so Fig is upstairs, you see that there’s a knock at the door. You’re in bed, see that your mom leans in, your mom is a, she’s got the mom jeans on, but is like a, sort of wood elf. You see that she’s gota bow over her shoulder and a quiver of arrows,your mom works as a ranger that goes and exploresthe woods around here. You see she goes, “Sweetheart,I’ve been knockin’ “up a storm, what’s goin’ on? “You’re gonna be late,you’re gonna miss the bus.” – Oh yeah, um, about that, I’m not going. – God damn it, you’re going to school. – Yeah, try and tell me even one good bard who learned how to bard in school. They’re gonna teach me howto play the bass guitar? No, if I want, I needreal life experience. – The school is real life experience. Sweetie, you’re 15.- Who’s my dad? – Goddamn it, I’m not— Who’s my dad? – I can’t tell you who your, your dad is Gilear, whoraised you and loves you. (Ally laughs)Okay? – That tool.- Look, just ’cause things aren’t great between yourfather and I right now doesn’t mean that hedoesn’t love you, okay? – Really, because the look on his face when my horns started growing in didn’t look a lot like love. – Sweetie, this attitudeis a problem, all right? You gotta get it together,it’s your first day at school. – You know, you’re right, Ithink I need some instruction, like maybe from a dad.- Goddamn it. I— Who is he? Just give me a name,I’ll go find him myself. – There are reasons I can’t tell you. – Is he the Nightmare King? – It’s not the Nightmare King,it’s not the Nightmare King. – I think it’s the Nightmare King. – It’s not the Nightmare King. It’s the Nightmare King,you don’t have to say– – I think that— Say it’s not the Nightmare King ifit’s the Nightmare King. – Say, you want me to say what? – If it’s not the Nightmare King, you could let me know by being like, it’s not the Nightmare King. – The Nightmare King livesthousands of miles away from here, maybe.- Yeah. – I did, the Nightmare— But he also lives in our nightmares, maybethat’s where you met him? – Sweetie, this is sensitive, and adults– – I light up a cigarette.(Brian laughs) – Where the fuck did you get a cig? She snatches it out of your hand. I don’t, where did you get that? – I light up another.- God! Wow, where did this come from? You were so well behaved a year ago. You see she sort ofcollapses against the wall. Look, okay, well, andshe looks out the window and goes, “Well, theregoes the fuckin’ bus, huh?” (bus engine roars)”There it goes, you happy?” – Bye, anyways, so I think I’m just gonna sorta stay home and work on some music. I’ve got a song called My Dad is a Demon But He’s Also a Deadbeat,so I’ll just work on that. – You’re goin’ to the school. – You see that she walksout, picks up the phone and she calls someone, you can hear her speak in elven downstairs. (speaks in foreign language) (Zac laughs)- I can’t believe that I really thought I was an elf. Elves are so lame. (speaks in foreign language) Oh my god, just so many -th soundings. (Brennan speaks in foreign language) Ugh, I know you’re talking about me! I can hear you saying Fig. – It got nothin’ to dowith you, get downstairs! – You see your mom— You’re like Swedish. – Comes back upstairs andgoes, “I have to go to work, “all right, your father is coming here “to pick you up and take you to school, “all right, because he–“- Oh, my real father? I’m finally gonna meet him, what a luxury! I can’t wait, I’ll puton my best fucking dress. – Get dressed for school, all right, and we will talk about this. (sighs) I love you, and I knowthis is hard right now, but we’re gonna get, you gotta put the cigarette out while I’m in the room, while I’m in the room you can’t smoke. – I put it out in her coffee.(cigarette plunks) (coffee sizzles)(all laughing) – God damn it!(all laughing) You see that she walks outta the room. – Just tell me who my real dad is and I’ll call this war off.(Zac laughs) – She walks outta the room, she leaves. You see that she walksout on the front lawn and a humongous griffin flies up (wings flapping)in the sky going (screaming), lands in the front yardand she mounts on its back and flies off.- Oh ho. – That’s pretty dope. – You see that a momentlater a car rolls up and Gilear, who you, notyour biological father but the man who raisedyou, steps outta the car. He’s not lookin’ great,he’s sort of lost some hair. You’ve never seen an elfwith a comb over before. He’s got a little bit of a paunch. He’s got a little, sort ofshort sleeved button up shirt, he’s working at a different job now, ’cause he quit his old one, and he’s got what look like beans orsomething on his shirt. (players laughing)He steps outta the car and knocks on the door, tock tock tock. – You go answer it, Gilear,have you been eating out of cans again?- What? My daughter, yes, ehm, Ihave been eating legumes as it were for I have foundthat in my new living situation over at Strongtower Luxury Apartments– – Wow, you really emphasized luxury. – They’re not the worst in the world. They’re all right, but I’ve found that it’s, you know, yeah,I’ve been eating beans. Eating beans.- Okay. I, so I’m guessing you were sent here to try and get me to go to school, right? – Well, I’m gonna give you a ride. – Okay, let me just go use the bathroom and then I’ll come.- Okay, that sounds good. – I go into the bathroomand cast Disguise Self to make myself look like my mom. And then I come back out.- You walk back out, and you see he goes,”Sandralynn, what the hell? “I thought you needed to go to work?” – I know, I’ve changed,I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think she should go to school. She made some really compelling arguments about how bards, how bardsneed real life experience so thank you so much, and also, thank you for keeping it a secretwho her real dad is. – Well, all right.- But between you and me, we can say the name out loud. – You see he says, “Well, he’s actually, “if you wanna go talk to himabout the paternity test, “he’s free today.”- Yeah, yes, I do. Can we do it in the next hour? – Sure, that’s fine.- Okay, yes. – Yeah, that’s no problem.- Thank you. Thank you so much, she’s upstairs so we can just go, no needto say goodbye to her. – Really, no need to say goodbye to her? – No, I think she’s working on a song. – Okay, that’s all right,I’ll talk to her later. You see he goes and gets inthe drivers seat of the car. – Okay, I’m coming.- You sit, what’s the duration on your Disguise Self spell?- One hour. (laughs) (Brennan clapping)(Emily laughs) – Foolproof.- Foolproof, foolproof. – Foolproof.(players laughing) – [Brennan] Cool, everyoneelse goes to school. (all laughing) The sun rises in the sky overthe beautiful dappled lawns, stone brick walls, ivycovered trellises and statues of the Aguefort Adventuring Academy. All of you arrive by bus, bycar, however you get here. Out in the front of the building you see a bunch of students,people that recognize each other are clappingand loud teenagers, and everyone’s kind of gathering. You’re a few minutes early. You see that your fatherpulls up to the front of the school.- Oh no oh oh oh! – You got tricked.- You see he goes, “All right, Sandralynn, here you are. “Your former lover’s in there. “Oh, you think I’m a fool?” – Oh!- I raised you. And don’t call me Gilear, all right? I know that I said– – What, what else am Isupposed to call you? Stranger, stranger withno biological link to me? I’m willing to make, that’sa lot to say every time I address you.(Ally chortles) – You see a little tear forms in his eye and you see he says, “I knowthat I said some hurtful things “when I first found out.”- Yeah, you said, “You’re no longer a Faeth,” and guess what, I’m not, I’m just Fig now. – Fig, I’m sitting herewith beans on my shirt. – I know, I saw you ateone on the ride here. (all laughing)- I was hungry, all right? I’ve put on some weight. You ever heard of a fat elf? You ever heard of it? I’ve never seen a fat elfin my life and I’m here with a bad comb overand beans on my shirt. – Okay fine.- And I’m reaching out to you. – I’m sorry, Gilear, I’msorry that I got angry at you. You’re just some random man,I shouldn’t be mean to you. – Oh ho ho ho ho!- All right, get outta my fucking car, you demon! (Emily gasps)I didn’t mean it like, it’s not, no no, ’cause you’remaking it a Tiefling thing. – You know what, I am a demon! And then I put some horn waxto really make ’em shine. (Brennan laughs)And I’m not ashamed of it. I just hope I don’t also get a tail. The horns are enough, okay, bye. – You guys all arrive atthe foot of the school. What are you guys all doing here together? – I look around for thebiggest and the strongest man or student in the, kindof, the entry area. – You look around, you see Zac, Gorgug. He’s the tallest person here. – I’m holding a metal flower. I was looking for a friend. – I walk straight up to Gorgug. I say, hey, how you doin’ buddy? – I’m, I’m good, it’s my first day. I guess it’s everyone’s first day. – Oh, oh, it’s your first day. – Do you want this metal flower? – I swing at you, it’s fucking hard. (all laughing)I don’t fucking care. (all laughing)- I see this just as I’m walking intothe, there where I am. I’m like, oh my, thisis what this school is? – Go ahead and roll an attack roll. – Great.(dice clatters) 15.- What’s your AC? – My AC’s 13.- You slug him. What’s your strength modifier?- It’s two. – You take three points of damage. – [Lou] And then I turn and I say, I’m Fabian Seacaster,son of Bill Seacaster and I’m here to be great. (Zac groans)- Oh! – I’m trying to sing that song. (players laughing) ♪ When you’re mad ♪ – I run up. ♪ If you’re mad. ♪ – Hey, are you okay? What happened?- That guy punched me. – That sucks, you seem really non-violent and I think that’s really cool. Violence is never the answer. – I go into a rage.(all laughing) – Awesome, what do you— I go into a rage and I attack, I go to punch. – [Brennan] Go for it,roll an attack roll. – Oh.- 19? – What’s your AC?- 16. – [Brennan] And you’re in a rage, right? – Yes.- So that’s gonna deal three plus two plus oneis six points of damage. You fucking, Gorgug whipsup and fucking clocks you. – Wait, no, violence isn’t the answer. – I— Is this creating like, a commotion?- Oh yeah. There’s a bunch of, you guys see– – Are there people, arethe teachers all around? – Oh, you see there’s this one kid who looks like a gnome with that long, kinda like stoner hair, who’s like “Oh, fuck, fight, fight,fight, fight, fight!” (all laughing) – [Brennan] Fight, fight, fight! – I’m gonna sneak intothe teacher’s lounge while there’s a commotion andsteal from the refrigerator. (all laughing)- You sneak in. You guys see that wadingthrough the crowd of students is this hulking dragonborn, right? For those who don’tknow who dragonborn is, humanoid dragons with long tail, no wings, these big claws,wearing a full suit, like a gray suit and a blue tie, big horns sweeping off of this, he’s red scaled,anthropomorphic dragon guy. You see he’s holding justa straight up cricket bat in his hands, and he walks up and goes “All right, all right that’s enough! “And on day one, the bellhasn’t even rung yet.” Effortlessly hoists youtwo up off the ground, sheathing his cricketbat before he does so, and goes, “Now look here, whatare, what are you, freshmen? “How, why did this even start?” – Well— I don’t know! He hit me.- Well, I had to let this one know that I wasn’tgoing to take any of his shit. – It looks like he’s holding a flower. – Hey, the greatest attackerssometimes put up a facade, that they might sneak their way. I don’t need to explain myselfto you, I’m Fabian Seacaster. – You 100% need to explain yourself to me. I am Vice Principal Goldenhoard. – I’m sorry I got mad at you. You can still have the flower if you want. – Don’t, kid, don’t give him the flower. (all laughing) – Well I’m done praying.(Brian laughing) – He has absolutely notearned any congeniality from you at all.- I hit him too, so we’re even.- All right. That’s immediatedetention for both of you. First day, after school.- Fine. – All right, you see he givesyou each a little red slip then says, “Good grief, is there any “other nonsense happening here? “Good, behave yourselves. “I’ll see you at detention after school. – I’m so sorry.- Right, you go to sneak in. And give me a stealth check? – Oh, I don’t know if that’sreally a skill I have. (players laughing)Ooh, okay. (die clatters)I got a nat one. (all laughing) – You’re just instantly in such trouble. (all laughing)- You walk into the teacher’s lounge,you are in there for, what do you steal as you go in there? You just see those little, like– – I’m just going through the fridge, seeing what kind of food there is. Elf food, elf food— You see that there is a, you see that there is alittle Tupperware container with a transparent steak in it. You can just like, partially see through, or ethereal, and you see it says “Ghost steak, please do not eat. “For a ghost professor.” – Um yeah, I’m gonna eat that. I take the ghost steak andI just start eating it. – You have a very fuckin’hard time grabbing it. – Fuck, fuck.- You see the door opens. And this Vice Principal guy walks in and goes, “Okay, immediate detention. “We are three for three, and it’s, “I mean, I’m about toring the first bell.” – The crazy thing is, you’rejust playing into my hand. Welcome to my game, andyou just did exactly what I wanted you to do. – I, I, I, I don’t knowyou, right, it is baffling. – I know, that’s why I wasable to two-step around you. – Describe your two step to me. How do you bamboozle me in this moment? Walk me through how you’ve bamboozled me. – All right, my plan allalong was to get caught so I would get kicked out, and you are just scooting me along. I put my combat boots up on the table. What’s the deal with that steak? I can’t pick it up.(all laughing) – Right, it’s for ghosts,that’s ghost food. Now, I’m gonna be very honest with you. I don’t think you fullyknow what detention means. You’re not suspended.- Do you recognize me? – See, he looks at you and says, “Uh, no?” – ‘Cause last year Iwas on the cheer squad. I was one of the girlsthat they used to throw up into the sky ’cause I wasso teeny tiny and cute. – I shouldn’t be having aconversation with you alone in the teacher’s lounge,get the fuck outta here! Get outta here, get out of here! – Okay, I’ll leave.- Go, all right, good good. – Bye, what’s your name again? – I’m Vice Principal Goldenhoard. – Okay, he’s kinda cute.- Don’t! Don’t say that, shh, don’t say that. Get out, he shoos you. – Well, maybe that’s part of my plan too. – Shuts the door.(door slams) The rest of you guys walk through and you hear the PA kindastarts as the kids start, the first bell rings,(bell rings) kids start running off to class. You guys hear a little voice saying, “Students, one and all, welcometo another exciting year “at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy. “I am Vice Principal Goldenhoard, “here with some announcementson your first day. “Everyone should have receivedyour locker assignments “in the mail, make sure togo and put your things away “for your first busy class day. “Bells are five minutes between classes, “and hall passes are inSorcehood, so no funny business. “I’ve been told that lunch lady Doreen “has made fine creamedcorn and tuna surprise. “Surprising indeed, whatmysteries await in that dish.” (Emily laughs)”Also, during your time here, “any matters of curriculum canbe brought to the principal, “Mr. Arthur Aguefort,matters of discipline “will be brought to me,your Vice Principal, “and Ole Hawthorne, my paddlefriend and cleaver of heinies, “don’t worry, we usecorporal punishment aplenty “here at Aguefort, ha ha ha ha. “Welcome, welcome, new class of heroes!” (feedback shrieks)(bell rings) Ring, everyone files to the classrooms. – Whoo!(clapping) – Oh, Riz is clapping, he decides clapping is gonna make him seem cool,he’s excited, right, no? Okay.- I’m clapping a little bit too, ’causethen I picked up on. – Just working so hard tosuppress a panic attacck and hide the stupid fuckingorb that I’m carrying. (all laughing) – As you go to walking up the steps, those of you who are from,sort of like the kerfuffle that happened out here, you guys see that there are two seniors, one of them is a blonde haired giantlooking senior jock kid whose wearing his letter jacket, and the other one is a beautiful half elf. They’re both seniors, and you see that they’re handing out little fliers that have ballots attached to them, and you see that the young woman, who’s sort of half elf, again, has got sort of the long,sort of brunette hair, a little flower tied into it, is going, “Hi, we’re voting today toreinstate prom king and queen, “Hi, we’re voting today,we’re having a vote today. “Hi, can I interest you in a flier?” – Yes, actually, hi, Riz Gukgak. Nice to meet you.- Oh, a handshake. – Hi, yes— That’s fun. – I actually have some literature for you. So I am, kinda open my briefcase, I am kind of in the businessof fun making right now. This has my phone number on it if you, platonic hangout. – Sure.- Yeah. – Yeah, for sure.- Kinda interested in getting in with the seniorsand the jocks and whatnot. – You see that this bigjock paladin looking kid comes over and goes,”Hey babe, what’s up?” – Hi, Riz Gukgak, so great to meet you. How are you?- Good. – Would you like a card as well? – Wazzup?- I open my briefcase and I give him a card, thathas my phone number on it. – Oh, okay, do I throw this out right now? – No, we can start a group text, perhaps? We can send each other funny memes. – Sure, okay, you see he puts it away. You see that the girl says, “Oh my god. “You are so friggincute, what is your name?” – It’s Riz, Riz Gukgak.- I’m not gonna remember that but you are fucking amazing.- Thank you. – I’m Penelope Everpetal.- Hi. – And I kinda run a lot of the clubs, and yearbook and stuffhere, so if you need any help, like, learning of ropes or learning about the school and all, – Yeah.- I’m like happy to do that, and this is my boyfriend Dayne Blayde, who’s the captain of the bloodrush team. – Dayne Blayde.(all laughing) – Dayne, you are freaking cool, man. – Wazzup.- You seem cool as hell. – Fuck, what’s that?- Yeah, dude, yeah. – Oh, sure dude, hell yeah.- Yeah. – Do you, do you play bloodrush? – Mmm-hmm, go Owlbears,right, that’s the team! – You see a huge beefy looking half orc, either a junior or asenior in a letter jacket comes over and slaps Dayneon the back and says, “Yeah, he fuckin’ plays bloodrush, “he’s the ball, dude, he’sthe fuckin’ ball, dude, “he’s the fuckin’ ball, dude!” – I’m actually not the ball. – You’re the ball, that’syour fuckin’ name now. You’re the ball.- Well, it’s actually Riz Gukgak, ifyou’d like some literature, and I open my briefcase and hand– – He, make an opposed athleticscheck, if you’d be so kind? (Brian laughs)- It’s a minus two. A four!(all laughing) – You see that this half orc grabs you and then stuffs you, as aball, and just dunks you into a trashcan.(trashcan clatters) Boom, that’s what’s up, dude. You’re the ball now, everybody,this kid’s name is Ball. If I hear you call thiskid anything but Ball, it’s your fuckin’ ass! – I suppose I’m technicallythe ball this time, but not always!(all laughing) – You see, Penelope goes”Dayne, get him to stop.” And you see him go, “Huh, oh sure. “Hey, Ragh, dude, it’s chill.” And you see Ragh goes, “Grr, yeah, okay. “Sorry dude, just, like,I see people fuck with you “and it makes me wannago fuckin’ nuts, dude. “I just fuckin’ can’t take it, man. “Fuckin’ love this team, go Owlbears!” You see that they walk away. You see that Penelope looks over at Adaine as you sorta walk up the steps. You see she goes, “Ifrickin’ love your orb. “That thing is huge.”- Thanks. My dad gave it to me, Idon’t want, do you want it? Do I want it?- I don’t– – No, I’m good, but thank you.(all laughing) You can keep your orb. Listen, I don’t know ifyou have enough space to carry this with thatgiant orb you’re carrying, but this is, it’s a little ballot, we’re basically having avote, because for a long, it’s like never, Agueforthasn’t had a king and queen at prom, and me and my boyfriend Dayne are trying to run partof the yearbook club, and we’re basicallytrying to get that back, bring that tradition back. – What does that mean? What does being prom king and queen mean? – Well, there’s a vote, right, that has if enough students say they want it, we’ll do a like a vote and people can vote for prom king and queen, and they’ll like have a special danceand it’ll be really fun. – They just get a specialdance, that’s what that means? Is that, yeah, okay, I’ll vote. Yeah, I don’t really understand. – If you vote for it, andjust like, as an aside, it’s gonna be a lot easierfor you here at Aguefort, ’cause I can tell you’re a freshman. It’s gonna be a lot easierif you ask less questions, ’cause like, probablylike, it’ll become clear the more time you spend. – That’s actually fewer questions. – Sorry?- No, okay, I’ll sign it. Dayne looks at the other guy and says, “Babe, it’s fewer questions, “less questions is wrong, grammatically.” You see she’s like, “Fine, Dayne,” she says, “Okay, so why don’tyou just take the ballot–” – Yeah, I’ll take it,I’ll take it, thank you. – And you can vote— Yeah, I’ll vote. Where do I, where do I, where do I vote? – There’s little boxes outin front of the assembly which we’re going to now.- Oh great. – Welcome.- Thank you. – Cute outfit, it’s like you go to a different school than here. (lalughs) Fun, and if you needhelp stashing that orb. (Siobhan pants)You just walk along, you see that at that mainhall, this guy comes over and he’s this big humanwearing sweatpants, got a little baseball capand a whistle around his neck and a giant glowing spear with holy light. You see that he clapsDayne and Ragh on the back. You see that, he, Ragh islooking at you in the trashcan and the guy goes like,”Ah, there are my boys, “there are my bruisers, there’sRagh and Dayne, heck yeah!” You see he looks aroundat the two players, and he looks over at you,and you recognize him from church, from the Cathedral of Sol. And you see he goes, “Ah,that’s great, Kristen! “What are you doing here?” – Oh, I go here now, it’s my first day. Good to see you.- Ah, it’s great to have you, kiddo, that’s great, I love that. I’m gonna need you to makean opposed athletics check. – Great. (chuckles)(die clatters) Uhhhh, what is, where’s athletics? Oh, two, seven.(Brennan guffaws) – We’re all just getting our asses kicked. – Yeah, yeah.- You see that you are shoved to the ground and yourbackpack goes everywhere and your Bible sort ofspills out of your hand and you see that there is a tall, looks like an elf, buthis skin is deathly pale, he has black hair hanging, and he’s got a mesh shirt with a belt, kind of diagonal across it,and sort of bondage pants, like, used for thatkind of Hot Topic look, and you see he’s gota rat on his shoulder. And he’s got spiderweb designson some fingerless gloves. And you see he goes, “What’s up, cleric? “How’s it goin’?- Did you do that on purpose? – I don’t know, did Godcurse us to live on purpose? – Ooh, let’s see, let’s startfrom the beginning, okay? Any curse you may feelis probably human made, because we were all madejust a little bit off. – Oh, I know I was made off,my heart is fuckin’ broken. – Okay, look.- You see that the coach helps you up and hands your Bible to you and goes like, “Hey, Zayn, dome a favor, pal and beat it, “huh, why don’t you beat it?” You see that Zayn says, “I don’t know, “why don’t we all just beat it?” (bats fluttering)He turns into bats. – I’ll pray for you, Zayn.(Emily laughing) – You see that the coach shakes his head and he goes, “That kid is a piece of work. “He got kicked out ofthe theater department “and he’s taking it hard.” – Who gets kicked out ofthe theater department? That’s where you go when you’rekicked out of anywhere else. – Yeah, exactly, he’s having a hard time. But hey, it’s reallygood to have you here. You know, if you ever need anything, come talk to me, man, I am happyto help you out, all right? – Yeah, thanks, it’s good to see you. – Good to see you too, and wait, you can’t say it too loud,’cause there’s a bunch of people of all kinds here,but praise be to Helio, huh? Go corn god!- Yes, yeah. Praise be to Helio.- You guys all leave this place and end upin the assembly hall. It’s a big auditorium, youguys are all there together. Riz, I assume you getout and covered in trash. (all laughing)- I couldn’t get it all off. – You guys gather, andyou see a man step out in a purple corduroy suit,and he’s got an umbrella. Very dark dark skin, and a monocle, and this long white beardthat goes past his waist. He’s got a little watch fob and a monocle on a little chain, andyou see that he steps out to the podium, you see he produces, as if from air, a littlesaucer with a teacup on it and steps to the podium, being introduced, of course, first by, from off stage, “Ladies and gentlemen, your principal, “Mr. Arthur Aguefort!”(clapping) You see that the, sortof this old wizardly man steps out and says, “Welcome, one and all “to another exciting year here “at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy, “where we train the nextgeneration of adventurers. “And what is an adventurer? “One who goes on adventures. “I say that an adventurer isa hero, and what is a hero? (inspiring music) “A hero is someone withthe strength of heart, “courage of spirit, and the might of will “to go to strange lands andenact violence on things there. “We go to places where there are things “that must be destroyed,and we destroy them. “Wandering from town totown, getting into trouble, “meeting in drophouses and taverns “and getting into scrapes with the law “and otherwise finding ourselves “engaged in all matters oftomfoolery and shenanigans, “sometimes violent, sometimes fatal. “Yes, fatal, and a herois a violent wanderer “who enacts their will bodily “and with strange magicks upon the world. “But does a hero truly stand alone? “Ha ha ha, no, the strength of the hero “is the strength of theparty, and what is a party? “A gathering of friends, perhaps “with some alcoholic beverages, “some fun music, ha ha ha, a jape! “For all of you, a party is a group “that comes together toembellish each other’s strengths “and eradicate each other’s weaknesses. “A party is composed of thosewho have sworn themselves “to each other, to make themselves greater “than the sum of their parts. “Perhaps we have flaws within us, “perhaps we don’t cast magic and we need “someone who can cast magicto help us when we need magic. “Perhaps we’re verytough and we can sustain “a lot of injuries, but we need somebody “who is very good at hurtingpeople there with us as well. “Perhaps we need a sneaky person to sneak, “not always, sometimesyou don’t need that, “but occasionally, in circumstanceswhere you do need one, “you really need one, right, with traps “and other things like that. “That is the meaning of party,and party is the meaning “of hero, and never forget, all of you, “ugh, it’s bad, never forgetthat the greatest magic “of all is chronomancy, the magic of time. “Welcome to your first year, freshmen, “at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy!” (vocalizes)He turns into light, (magic tinkles)and disappears. (clapping)- My hand was on the fire drill the whole time, to pull it, but I was so moved by that that I actually took it off. (all laughing) – I was looking for apencil that whole time. (all laughing)- Really cool. – After that, a bunch ofdifferent classes open up. You see that Goldenhoard sort of says, “We have some orientation events today “for those that are interested “in matters of the arcane,we’ll have an arcane orientation “happening in room 212,we’ll also have a number of “tryouts and battle orientationsand things of that nature. “Please file out, obviouslywe don’t want to corral you “into a class without your own choosing, “so be wise and find the best fit for you. “Very well, enjoy, students.” You see that studentsbegin to sort of file off, the freshmen, at least, sort of filing off towards the differentorientations and things like that. – I wanna find lunch lady Doreen. – Cool, yeah, you can gofind lunch lady Doreen, you go over to the lunch andyou see the lady Doreen there, if you’re looking on thatwith a little cigarette hangin’ out of her lip,she looks over at you and as you walk into the cafeteria and goes, “Oh, lunch is notserved for awhile, sweetheart.” – No, I came to talk toyou, because I feel like you have the only honest profession here and, also, you’re allowed to smoke at work which I think is really cool. – I’m not allowed to smoke at work. – Oh, well, but you do it anyways, which shows that you have aspirit that I really admire. So I was wondering, maybe Ishould just be taking classes with you.- You wanna be a lunch lady? – Maybe.- Okay. – I just respect what you’re doing. Everyone else is trying todo all these lofty things, and you’re just being you. You’re just so truecompared to everyone else. – Okay.- So real. – Okay, you wanna dowhile, you wanna work? – Mmmm.(all laughing) – You see she tosses acrowbar to you and says– – I don’t, I just let it drop.(glass breaking) (all laughing)- There’s an industrial, we gotta buncha drums ofcreamed corn off the back of a truck— Drums? – Yeah, for like a drum?- Yeah, okay cool, yeah. I’ll go work with that.- Yeah, yes, it must have fallen or something, ’cause the corn was all dinged up so I had a fucking hardtime opening that thing, but you’re welcome to go try. – Wait, so that you’re havin’ a hard time opening the drum, there’sa big old drum right? There’s a bunch of drums? – She points to a bunchof metallic oil drums in the back, like big metal canisters. – Cool yeah, I just go thereand start playing the drums. – She looks over and she goes, “What the fuck are you doin’?” What the fuck are you doin’? – Music isn’t, music isn’tconfined to the stage at the Black Pit, you know, it’s anywhere. (vocalizes drum fanfare) – Make a performance check.- Whoo, yeah! Oh come on, hook me up, 17. – It gets really stop in here, (Brennan beatboxes) and you see that shegoes like, “Okay, okay, “that is a little funky,that’s good, I like it. “You know, I wasn’t always a lunch lady, “I used to get around when I was young.” – Whoo!- “Ah, they’ll talk about it “sometime, listen, yougot a gift for that. “You’re really talented.” – Thank you, I knowthat I’m not gonna learn any of that here, I’ll learn stupid stuff. Well, actually, I kinda liked everything the guy was saying.- You see she says, “You know, you might be right, “there might not be muchfor you to learn here, “but you know what,it’s not gonna hurt you “to go see what the bullshitis they’re sellin’, right? “Why not go check in on the enemy, “see what all the skwalesare talking about.” – Oh, shit, there’s somany good role models here. I’m gonna take you up on that. – Hey, you’re a real sweetkid, come back anytime. – I will, I bet I’ll come back once a day. – All right, oh, becauseyou eat lunch in this room. – Yeah.- Yeah, that makes sense. – Yeah.- Okay, you have a good one, sweetie.- Okay, bye Doreen. – You can call me Doreen. – Okay, bye Doreen. – Adaine, you arewalking past the library, as you are walking past it,roll a perception check. (die clatters)- 12? – You notice very old,sort of a very old woman human librarian, whohas a little velvet rope and closes it over alittle restricted section, and you see that there is a book lying on a little tableright near the entrance of the restricted section.- Oh. Is it light enough thatI can use Mage Hand? – You need an investigation check to try to clock the weight of the object at this distance.(die clatters) – 16?- Yeah, for sure. – Great, I cast Mage Handas her back is turned and I take the book.(magic zapping) – The book zips from therestricted section of the library. The book that now rests in your hand is titled Wards and Watches,and it’s an abjuration book, it’s a very very powerful abjuration book. – Great, I very quicklyput it in my backpack, and then I panic, ’cause I’m like, why am I doing this,nobody can see me do this. My stupid sister just told me to do this and I don’t know why I’m doing it, and now I have a book thatI’ve definitely stolen and I can’t tell them that I’ve stolen it. – Please make a panicattack check, like a– (die clatters)- Five. – You go into a full blown panic attack. – Shit, oh god, oh my god. – I come up.- You wound up in the hallway. Yeah.- Hey are you okay? – No. (exhales)- I saw what you did and I thought it was pretty awesome. – Oh god, no, the gothkid thinks I’m cool. – That was so cool.- Oh, I like your giant orb. Here, let me make it glow. I cast Light on her giant orb. – You are now glowing in themiddle of a crowd of children. Vice Principal Goldenhoardwalks up and goes, “Very nice use of the Light cantrip. “What is your name, young student?” – Oh, I’m Kristen Applebees. – Kristen Applebees,wonderful to meet you. I’m Vice Principal Goldenhoard. – [Ally] Oh, hi. – Young lady, are you all right? – I found this book.- You found– (Ally laughs)- Make a bluff check for me, with disadvantage.- What’s dis, what what? – You roll two d20 andtake the worse result. – Okay, great.(dice clatter) – Oh my god, a 20 and a two. (all shouting)- That’s just a two. – Just a two (says wordin foreign language). – You see that Vice Principal says, “Sorry, you found a book?” – She’s covering for me, I stole it and she caught me stealing it. – No, I didn’t, Ididn’t, she didn’t steal, I stole it, I’m so sorry, I was, I was, I’m sorry I’m new, Idon’t know what I’m doing. – We all fall short of the grace of God. – Mm, you know I wouldn’t,that’s a bit strong for this, I would say,that’s a bit strong. This is not appropriate,that you’ve done this. Kristen, would you mind taking the book to Principal Aguefort’s office for me? – Yeah, sure.- Go ahead, take the book. You see that he looks at you and says, “Now, young lady, what was your name?” – Adaine Abernant.- Miss Abernant. Oh yes, you come to us from Hudol. I’m afraid I’m going tohave to give you detention. So you’ll be stayinglate after school today. Do you understand? All right, this is not fun for me. You’re clearly having a bad time. (Ally giggles)I’m second guessing what I’m doing, even as I’m doing it, wondering if there’s somemedical stuff going on that I don’t know about,but I’m going to do it, as I’ve already talked out loud and other students can hear this. – Yeah, I can hear it all, hi. – Hey, for real, we’re not gonna do this. You think we have a thing,but that’s where you’re wrong. We don’t have a thing. You have a thing.- Who’s running detention? – Good grief, all right,you are going to detention, here’s your slip, hands you the slip. – Bloodrush trials?- Bloodrush trials, yes! Let’s do it, we areall on the field, baby. Everyone’s out there,Dayne Blayde is out there, Ragh Barkrock is out there, and you see that Coach Daybreak is out there as well. You see that, what you dois you approach the pitch. – Well, uh, hello comrades! – Gru looks at youwearing the letter jacket. (all laughing) – Dayne, good to see you,saw you and your friend deal with that little goblin earlier. Oh hohoho, good stuff. That was miraculous,you just crushed him up, ball, that’s, I like that. I’ll call him Ball when I see him. – Oh, okay, what’s your, Dayne speaks up and says, “Okay, I’m super confused, ” ’cause you’re talking tome like you’re important, “but I don’t know you.”- Oh, heh heh. It’s my first day, you probably, I’m Fabian Seacaster,Bill Seacaster’s son, the great adventurer, Bill Seacaster? I’m his son Fabian, and I’m going to be on the bloodrush team, so it’s exciting to meet you and get to know you and– – Make an insight check for me. (die clatters)See, 15. – You notice that these players look to Coach Daybreak,that, whose jaw is set as you mention yourfather, and you see that Dayne looks up at you, looks at the coach and sort of, all of theseboys are looking off their coach’s expression, basically. You see that Dayne turns to you and says, “Oh, that’s right, yeah, your dad’s “the richest guy in town, right?” – Yes, that’s him.- Yeah, pirate. – Yes, what, I’m sorry,I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Privateer, my father’s a privateer. – You see Ragh says, “I don’tknow what that word means.” – It means where you would, in conjunction with different enterprises and things, he wasn’t just running aroundjust raping and pillaging like pirates do, that’s not my father. My father worked, he was charged with tasks and adventures, ah. – For real, dude, I’venever heard somebody that plays bloodrush talk like you. You’re using all kindawords that are just like, sphew, shwee, sphh. – Well, I mean, yeah, I’m one of a kind. – You see Ragh says, “Yeah,I bet you are one of a kind. “One of a kind of a bad person.” – Ah, what a witty barb. That’s good stuff.- You see that Coach Daybreak leans in, says, “All right, guys, “we’re gonna have some tryouts now. “Let’s everyone lay off of Fabian here. “Fabian’s father made his money outside “of the nation of Solace. “Part of the laws of Solaceis that the things you did “in the outside world can be forgiven “under the national amnestyif you swear on the charter, “right, we got peoplethat live in the forests “of the Nightmare Kingor in the Red Waste. “They wanna come here and makea better life for themself. “The council forgivesthat, they allow people “not have to live down there past, “even if they did all kinds of things, “that they’re still benefiting from.” – Yeah, well, it doesn’tmatter anymore, right? – That’s right, kid. Well, let’s get this tryout started, huh? – Yes, let’s get this tryout started. – You see he says, “Well,why don’t we start you out “with some running drills, huh?” – Fantastic.- Go ahead and give me some athletics checks. – Great.(die clatters) – Oh, and a nat 20. – Oh, you run the fuckingfield on these guys. You’re 16 and you arefully flatlining seniors. You take Ragh Barkrock,who’s the huge half orc, second in command guy, flingdown to the ground, no sweat. He looked up at you and says, “This guy fuckin’ cheated, dude, “fuckin’ cheated, man.” – Oh, Ragh, another one ofthose witty barbs of yours. I did not cheat.(Brennan snarls) (Brennan roars)- You see that he goes into a full rage andDayne says, “Just do it!” And jumps on him and hisfriends all restrain him. Coach Daybreak comes over and he says, “All right, well there, fancy boy, “you got some moves onyou, I’ll give you that.” – Fancy boy, that’s a fun nickname. Is that gonna be my nickname, like Ball? I’m Fancy Boy? I like it.- Well you gotta, you got real chops, let’ssee how you do throwin’. You see Dayne looks up and goes, “What?” You see he says, “Yeah, let’ssee how he does throwin’, “I wanna see it.” The coach sets up a play with people running around you, sothere’s a scrimmage, there’s the other sideof the bloodrush field, big stone, you’re not ongrass, it’s a weird stone. This is actually it, right there. The coach sets up a scrimmagewhere you’re gonna make, the idea is for you to passto somebody, basically, you’re sort ofquarterbacking, effectively. As you get started, go ahead and make me a perception check, real quick. (players groaning)- I fucking failed it. – You’re havin’ a day.- That’s so funny, 20 to one. – 20 to one, okay, nowgo ahead and make me an athletics check.- Oh great. That’s what I prefer, 22. – Fuck yeah, he gets you the ball and he’s like, “Wewanna see how you pass.” You, roll a little opposed check, mmkay. He sets you up, you survey the field, and you see a bunch of peoplethat you could pass to, but all the people that you could pass to are kind of like losersthat you just fucking either clotheslined or ropea doped or moved around. – Of course.- As the lines charge each other, you see a little opening that you could break through.- Oh, I’ll take it. (all laughing) – You charge forward,your team looks like, what the fuck is going on? You effortlessly dodge and weave through all of the other athletes and fucking get to, what do you do when you get to the end zone? – I place the ball down gently. Say good game, I liked that, those plays went real nice, Dayne? Dayne, good stuff, my man. – Ball, you didn’t throw the ball, dude. – Well, it worked out best,I thought, for the play. – Yeah, you know what? You didn’t throw the ballbecause you have bad thoughts about what to do.- Ragh, this is funny. Does he, do we all, doesRagh roast us often? This is funny.- Coach Daybreak looks at you and says, “You can hit the showers, bud.” – Oh great, great, does anybody, I’ll see all you boys on the hill. – Nobody else starts toleave and you notice it. – I’ll meet you all there. – He says, “You’re not on the team.” – I’m sorry, what? I’m sorry, what? – You’re not on the team. (Lou stammers) – I ran faster and I, my father paid you. My father paid you money. – What the hell did you just say? See all the other students look around and he says, “Buddy, you got a big mouth “and no heart, you willnever be an Owlbear.” You see that he goes,he takes a red slip out, “That’s detention, pal.” – You know what, youknow what, that’s fine. ‘Cause clearly, clearlyI’m better than all of you and bloodrush, right, you know what? I don’t need this, Idon’t need any of you, and you know what, Ragh,none of your jokes are funny. I didn’t like any of them. – What the hell, that’s not what you said! And Ragh bursts into tears, and the other, Dayne goes like, “That’s fucked up dude. “It’s fucked up to tell aguy all his jokes are bad.” You see that coach says, “Good luck. “You got all the moves in the world, “but it means nothing if youdon’t play on a team, kid.” “You’ll learn that the hard way.” – Oh, I’m sure I will. – Fabian heads off. We’ll move over to Riz real quick. Riz, you are walkingdown the hallway towards one of your other classes,nobody’s been able to find the rogue teacher anywhere, and then it, sort of, wordstarted to spread around that that’s the deal on the first day, is you have to find the rogue teacher. – All right, so I’m just,can I do a roll to– – Do an investigation check.- Investigation check, okay. Lookin’ around the halls,sniffin’ around with my, (die clatters)ooh, that’s not good. What’d I get, 11. 11, you are out nearthe front of the school and you see that one of the students is talking to, he looks like asort of lavender skinned elf, very beautiful, and she’sspeaking to this guy who’s like, got a black leather jacket and a white t-shirt, and tight jeans, who’s next to a big motorcycle and he’s this Tiefling, big horns, he looks like— Daddy? – [Brennan] He lookslike, a little bit too old to be a student, he’s kinda got an arm on her waist, and he’s leaningagainst his motorcycle. They’re out in thefront, near the driveway. And you just see this, sort of, couple and she’s kind of talking to him, and he’s sort of likegreaser looking Tiefling guy. A big old horns swept back,and she’s sort of giggling and he’s sort of smilingand laughing at her, and you see that Penelope Everpetal who was sort of the popular girl who was handing out fliers, walks up and says, “Hi, Sam, canI talk to you real quick? “I don’t mean to interruptyou and your boyfriend “who hangs out around theschool and doesn’t go here.” What are you gonna do as you see this? – I guess I’ll try tokind of hide and sneak up and listen to their conversation. (die clatters)- Awesome. – So that is a 23 for stealth. – Awesome, 23?- Yeah. – Oh, fuck yeah, you see that, as you get closer, you seethat it’s actually not an elf, that Sam, her hair is flowing slightly, and she’s a water genasi, right, so she’s like a waterelemental kinda thing. You see she says, “Penelope,I’m busy right now. “Johnny is just stopping by real quick “and I can talk to you after school.” And she goes, “Um, now,Sam, would be good.” You see that the guy, the Tiefling, sorta looks over andhe’s looking at Penelope with that face of aweirdo adult hanging out at a high school, justlike, you’re not the person I’m dating and I have no facial expression as I’m watching you, just like. You see that— I guess I’ll try and I’ll sneak up behind himand I’ll tap on his back. – His arms are engulfed with green flame and he turns around and says,”Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. “Watch the jacket, kid.”- Sorry. – “You have any ideawho you’re talking to?” – Johnny?- Johnny Spells. – Do you go here?- You see he puts on sunglasses,”Hell no, I don’t go here.” – No?- No, that’s my girlfriend. You see that Sam waves and says, “Hi, can I help you?”- I’m friends with your friend and I point to the cheerleader girl. – See, Penelope says, “Oh my god, “are you the ball from earlier?” – Yeah, I do not know this,but they call me Ball. – Why do they call you Ball? – ‘Cause I ball, dude.- I don’t believe that. – Ball.- I don’t believe you. – I got shoved in agarbage can, okay, man? – Tough, I know whatit’s like to get shit on. – So you, where you from man? I live at the StrongtowerLuxury Apartments, just me and my mom.- Where I’m from is the same place I’mgoin’, buddy, nowhere. – Could I get a perceptioncheck if this dude actually rules or–(all laughing) ‘Cause right now, I think he rules. (die clatters)That is a, it’s only a nine. – This dude fuckin’ rules.(all laughing) – Cool.- You see Sam says, “Johnny, I gotta go deal with Penelope. “Are you okay if we meet up later?” And he goes, “Yeah babe,maybe, I don’t know, “I might be busy,”(motorcycle engine revs) “I’ll see you around kid.”(motorcycle engine revs) He fucking takes off on his motorcycle. – Johnny Spells! – You think Johnny Spells rules. (all laughing) – You see that Sam looksover at you and goes like, “He totally rules.”- He seems pretty cool. – Johnny Spells.- How did you meet Johnny? – He hangs around the high school. – Whooo.(all laughing) No, he seems awesome, how old is he? – I don’t know, I thinkhe’s, he had a birthday and I think he gave areal ID and could drink, so, I think 21, maybe?- Right, cool. Do you know, has he datedanybody else at this school? – You see that Penelopesays, “Sam, we’re going,” and make an insight check. (die clatters)- 18 plus, 22 total. – Penelope didn’t like that.- Mmkay. – She didn’t like thatyou said that at all. She grabs Sam and runs into the school. – Not so sure about Johnny Spells. Cool, so I guess I will follow them in. – Cool, you follow themin and you see them duck into the girl’s changing room and you hear Sam say,”What, Penny’s gone.” And you see she says,”I fucking know, Sam, “but now we need to talkabout what happens next.” And the door closes.(door clicks) – Are any of these guys around? – Nope, not that you can see. I guess I, oh boy. Riz runs to try to finda girl to help him. – Make an investigation check.- Cool. (die clatters)(Brian hums) 18.- Cool, make a persuasion check.- Okay. (die clatters)21. – Awesome, ah cool. You see that there’s thisextremely bejeweled dwarven girl, she’s got little sideburns that go down to these little wispystrands, jewelry everywhere. She’s hanging out with somefriends near the water fountain as you approach her.- Okay, so. You’ve got a lot of jewels, and I can tell that you like stuff, I will give you my, I will give you my frickin’ briefcase if you’ll go into that changing room and tell me what those girls are saying. I think one of them has acrush on one of my friends. – You see, she says, “Your briefcase?” – Okay, well, what do youwant, what do you want? – You see that she says, “I don’t know, “give me 20 gold pieces.”- Fuck it. I know, what if I, I, isthere anything from the school you want, I’ll take something for you. – She says, “Okay, yeah, steal me a teabag “of that gross tea that Principal Aguefort “is always drinking.”- Yeah, sure. Okay, will you go in there now? – Go give me the teabag.- Fine, okay. – I run off to go find a teabag. – Cool, you go, you findPrincipal Aguefort’s office. Go ahead and tell mehow you’re getting in. The door is locked.- Mmmmm. I guess I’ll try to, try to unlock it? – Cool.- I guess, what skill would that be,like sleight of hand or? – Yeah, make a perceptionthen make a sleight of hand. – Okay.- That actually is a tool proficiencythat I think you have. – Ah, okay.(die clatters) So I did bad on whatever thatwas, perception was a four. – Cool, four is bad.- It’s a door. – And then roll again.- Okay. (die clatters)(Brian snorts) Oh boy, sleight of hand, seven. – You mess with the door,and the door actually opens. (door clicks) – Sweet, I look for this tea. – You walk in and see VicePrincipal Goldenhoard. Immediate detention!(all laughing) – All right, look at that, wild. We are up to five on dayone, these just happened during the day, that’s good, all right. I run and try to grab his tea. – He looks at you, yeah. Go ahead and make anopposed athletics check. You can do acrobatics.- Okay, good. (die clatters)21! – You grab it and bounce.- I’m so sorry. I’ll go to detention later, I promise. – You have to go to detention! You see he’s just barrelingdown the hallway after you. You run, find the dwarven girl. She says, “Oh my god,you actually got it?” – Yeah, I got it.- You’re a fuckin’ freak. Riz Gukgak! She goes, all right, I’llgo listen, fuckin’ weirdo. And she heads off, you see Goldenhoard, you see there’s sort of firecoming out from his mouth. (fireworks burst) Makin’ me run, that’swild, that’s a wild thing for you to do.(Ally laughs) Oh, here we go, detention.- Thank you, sir. Well deserved.- Cool, towards the end of the day, when you’re allback in the assembly hall, and Principal Aguefortsays, “Concluding this, “our first day today, at theAguefort Adventuring Academy, “we will now begin the wonderful process “of the day of fellowship,you all have the rest “of the afternoon to meet with the friends “you’ve made and form yourfirst adventuring parties. “This, most critical afternoon “will be you banding togetherfor the rest of your time “here at Aguefort, I hopeyou will find the people “that you have the most in common with “and that you feel the most excited about “becoming heroes and solvingthe problems of the world “through violence and strange arcana.” You see that Vice Principal Goldenhoard grabs the mic and says,(feedback squeals) “Except for those with detention, “you will be expected in detention.” You see Coach Daybreakcomes over to you, Kristen. “Hey, Kristen, I wantedto talk to you real quick. “A lot of the adventuringparties are kinda forming “this afternoon, do you have any idea “about who you’d wanna maybe “form an adventuring party with?” – Anyone who isn’t already religious. – Sorry?- I really like the church, I really like the communityand stuff like that, but I really wanted to come to this school and meet people who are not non-believers, just not believers yet, pre-believers. – Okay, well, I was thinking about maybe getting you with some other kids that really love Helioand kind of already– – Agh, no.- No? – No, no, no, no, that’sjust an echo chamber. I mean we’ve all heard of that, right? I wanna get out there, meet new people, I wanna, that’s the sound of chimes, baby, bouncing off each other,creating a beautiful noise. – Kristen, you see thesefive are being talked to by Goldenhoard about howthere’s gonna be lunch and then after, the afternoon classes there’s gonna be— I wanna go with the bad kids.- What? Kristen, you don’tbelong with the bad kids. You’re a good kid, youwent to church camp. – Yes, exactly, you knowhow much yeast you need to make an entire loaf rise? Just a little pinch and Ican be that little pinch. – I don’t think you’re yeast. I feel like you have more— I think so. I think so.- Oh god, oh god. – Please, please, give me detention, the four who are going into detention, just give me detentionand I can go in there. – I can’t give you detention, for what? – The other day I wentto a party and I drank what looked like a bottleof vodka, but it was water. I keep putting water inalcohol things to fit in. – You want me to give youdetention for not drinking? – I want not just to give me detention, I want you to yell right nowand make a really big scene and make it seem like Idid something terrible. – I, all right, everybody listen up. Kristen Applebees, bore false witness. – Take this, a cardinal sin. – Yeah, well, you lied becauseyou weren’t drinkin’ vodka and you should always, I can’t say this. – At least you coulda said I stole some, you coulda gone way, couldabeen way easier than that. – Well, you know what?- Bore false witness! – You bore false witness! You see that Vice PrincipalGoldenhoard looks over and says, “Coach, that’snot, that’s a religious rule, “that’s got almost nothing to do.” – Well, you heard the man,sounds like I got detention. – You see he hands the redcard to you, all right, kiddo. – Where do I even go with this? Hey guys.- What did you do? – I bore false witness.- What is that? – I wanna do that.- It means she lied. – Yeah, I— To who? To anyone, you just talk about that? – To, before a higher power. Yeah, it’s kind of compli,what do you guys do? – We punched each other.- Oh yeah, I remember. – I’m too good at sports.(all laughing) – I couldn’t eat the steakthat was a ghost steak, I couldn’t pick it up. – I stole a stupid bookbecause my stupid sister told me it was a good idea. – I tried to get you out of that. – It was really cool how honestyou were about that, though. – I stole some tea.- Wow, a lot of thieves. Comin’ on just like Jesus. (all laughing)- Just like Helio. – You guys get in line for lunch and you start goingthrough the lunch counter, and you see the lunch lady, Doreen, starts puttin’ creamed cornand stuff on your guys’ trays. – I’ve never eaten a surprise before. – Well, it’s tunasurprise, very surprising. Okay, here’s your tray, here you go. (food splats)You see this tuna surprise, and you see that there arejust chunks of ham in the tuna. – Ooh, it’s sour somehow.- Riz just gobbles it down. – Excuse me, Miss, I can’t eat this. Do you have something,what are the other options? I’d like to eat another option. – Another option?- Yeah, is there, I mean, I’m assuming there’s a menu that I can order from, orsomething I can make a choice of, assuming there’ssomething else, all right? – There’s no way that Icould, you want me to get you, I could get you ketchup, like– – Ketchup is not a meal.- You picked, like to ketchup? – For, as a meal, is ketchupa thing in your culture? – I don’t know!- All right, Jesus. – I down my whole tray as well. – I’m gonna need Kristen to make another, sorry, an opposed acrobatics check, so this is a dexterity roll.- Oh boy. – Good, I have negative three off the bat. 12.- Ah, cool. You see that Ragh, the half orc jock grabs your Bible out of your hand and tosses it into the kitchen. And you see, it goeswhoosh, whoosh, whoosh and spins and lands in a big vat (creamed corn bubbles and splats) of the creamed corn and sinks into it. And you see he goes, “That’s what you get “for boring what you, what you did, “that’s what you did, that’swhat you get for that.” – Good thing I already knowthe whole thing by heart. – I cast Mage Hand and pull the book out of the creamed corn.- Cool. You see that as you goto start pulling the book out of the creamed corn, (sucking) the book pops out, it’scovered in creamed corn. And there’s a ton of goop all over it. You see the lunch lady says, “All right, “all right, everybody you all gotta go. “Everybody go sit down.” Ragh says “Think about it next time.” – Who the fuck is that guy? – Don’t even bother, he’s a fucking oaf. – A freaking idiot.- You guys have your lunch, and after lunch you guys are in detention, you see the lawn outside,beautiful afternoon, filled with students all like”Oh, you’re my new best friend “and we’re gonna be adventurers, yeah, “let’s make an adventuring party.” (soft music) And you see that VicePrincipal Goldenhoard and a sort of young gnomewho is a very rosy cheeked and he’s got sort ofwatery blue eyes walks in. See they step in and VicePrincipal Goldenhoard says, “Well, well, well,troublemakers, yeah, and Kristen. “Troublemaking bothers me at a deep level. “This school can be a dangerous place. “Students put a lot on the line here. “And you, with yourtomfoolery, your jackanapery “and your shenanigans are a liability “that cannot be allowed. “Mr. Gibbons will handle your disciplinary “action while I’m gone.” So he turns and walks out,and you see that the gnome hoists himself up so he’ssitting on the edge of the desk and he goes, “Okay, so howdo we feel about what we did? “Yeah, right here.” – I technically have diplomatic immunity and, do I have to be here? – I feel bad. I didn’t mean to punch you. I got so mad.- I didn’t do, I did punch you, but it wasn’t worth it, but I shouldn’t be here,my crime was being too good for the bloodrush team.- You punched him. – Okay.- Yeah, you punched him. – Yeah, you punched him.(overlapping shouting) – You’re not objective.- I also admitted that (coughs) I also admitted that I punched him, I said that. – Wow, okay, so that’sa lot of feelings, okay? How’s everything at home, guys? Everything good?- It’s great. – Everything good at home? Okay, now he, now— Why are you crying? – Why am I crying?- Mm-hmmm. – Because I guess youtapped into something that, you know, maybe home’s not great. – Okay.- Maybe home’s not great. – Okay, now those arestrong feelings, okay, and I’m here to talk about anything, okay? If you have any problems, yes, right here? – Can’t we just do linesinstead of talking? – Yes, Jesus Christ.- Wow, wow, strong feelings all the way around, now there’s something that I wanna talk to all of you about. You guys hear a scream.(woman screams) A bloodcurdling screamfrom down the hallway. Mr. Gibbons whips hishead around and looks. What do you guys do?- Riz takes off. – I follow him.- I’ll go. – Same.- What? – I mean, I guess if everybody’s going, we should go?- Now, hold on guys, nobody’s doing anything.- There ya go. – I just see them runningand I think we’re making a jailbreak.(all laughing) – You guys sprint, yourun as fast as you can. The scream comes from the cafeteria. (all gasping)- Doreen! – [Brennan] You burstforward, the doors open, you look ahead of you and flitting around (gremlins flitting)the cafeteria are horrifying little shapes with long wings. You see corn gremlins, cobs of corn with malevolent eyes and wide mouths. (Brennan gnashing) Tearing at the walls and ripping banners, and following them into the cafeteria, you see Doreen, the lunch lady, with her back turned to you, slowly gazing behind her shoulder, deep sunken eyes, malevolent yellow as spell energy pulsing with arcane power wraps her ladle. “Hey kids, it’s lunch time again, “because we had lunch earlier,but bad lunch this time.” – If you explain the joke,it’s not a good joke. – It was bad last time.- It’s a bad lunch. It’s a bad lunch.- No. – A monstrous pulsatingmountain of creamed corn (Brennan roars)rises up, towering behind her a colossal ooze begins topseudopod its way forward. And I’m gonna have youguys roll initiative. (ooze gurgles)(dramatic music) (dice clatter)- Ooh, okay. And that’s where we’ll leave off this week On Fantasy High.